A Dozen Things I Learned From Watching 'Two and a Half Men'

Danny Feld/CBS/Warner Bros.

Since there was bound to be a curiosity factor in play as Ashton Kutcher took over from Charlie Sheen as the star of Two and A Half Men, and since CBS's promotions for the "new" show have been ubiquitous, then fine, you win. Here are the 12 things I learned while watching the newly revamped Two and A Half Men:

1. I’ll never make that mistake again.
2. It was as predictable and unfunny as ever.
3. It’s not true that we get the television we deserve. We get the television we choose  -- and this series is a fantastic reminder to vote with your remote.
4. Chuck Lorre likes penis jokes. And lots of them.
5. He also likes fart jokes.
6. To change things up, he will creatively toss in a “vaginal warts” joke.
7. That when writing about Two and A Half Men, it’s important to put quote marks around the word “jokes.”
8. Exactly why Ashton Kutcher is not more famous for his acting. Say what you will about Sheen, but the man had comic timing and knew his craft.
9. That it doesn’t matter if I couldn’t quite figure out if Kutcher was going for vacant, naïve, nerdy or astonishingly dumb (for a character who is a billionaire), because I’ll never watch this show by choice again.
10. Never watching this show by choice is a standing rule I never thought would need to be modified, then Sheen imploded, Kutcher took over and it was mandated that I watch. Another thing to blame Sheen about.
11. That Sheen will get the last laugh, if he hasn’t already, and that his new show – if it ever happens – will be exponentially funnier than the laugh-free 22 minutes from last night. And yet, the people who would actually watch a show like Men, willingly, or have done so regularly in the past, will continue to watch. Comedy is subjective and some people can't be told the difference between hackneyed and hilarious.
12. Some people will, apparently, laugh at anything. So Lorre can laugh his way to the bank. Again.