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JAN
6
3 YEARS

Deus Ex Machina: TCA Tweets

From out of nowhere, possibly making no sense, here's today's tweets from the Death March With Cocktails.

Oprah Winfrey
Frederick M. Brown/Getty Images

A little from last night's first Death March With Cocktails party, a lot from today, featuring Ricky Gervais, Mike Tyson and a whole lotta Oprah. And we're off:

Last night: Animal Planet room-dropped enormous red Everlast boxing gloves. Why? Because they have a show about Mike Tyson and pigeon racing. Whuck?

Oh, people, I truly wish "whuck?" was mine, but Tina Fey said it on 30 Rock. My vote for 2010 word of the year.

Another Hall of Fame first ballot 30 Rockism: Jack/Alec Baldwin saying, "Money can't buy happiness. It IS happiness."

Comcast Entertainment Group served Veuve Clicquot all night at its party. But I didn't know anyone other than Seacrest and Chelsea Handler.

Still find it fascinating that Chelsea Handler's, ahem, handlers, act like she's Angelina Jolie. Relax, you suck-ups, there is no scrum.

HBO showing us 15 minute trailer of Game of Thrones tomorrow. Come on, just show the damned thing.

Thursday: We're in the TNT session for Franklin & Bash, which starts in June. Which limits my interest exponentially. June?

It stars Mark-Paul Gosselaar, Breckin Meyer, Malcolm McDowell. Produced by a guy I like, Kevin Falls. So, not Rizzoli & Isles, I guess.

OK, geeksters, TNT just previewed Falling Skies from Steven Spielberg. And I think you're gonna like it.

Falling Skies stars Noah Wyle, Moon Bloodgood, Will Patton...If you're tired of V, well, here you go. Comes in June.

Critic points out that shots of alien ships arriving and blowing cities up not in pilot. Producers say 95 percent takes place afterward...

Apparently the idea is that they wanted to avoid cliche of arriving aliens. Ships may only be seen in promos, which is odd, but works.

Noah Wyle says he's 40. Doesn't look like it, obviously. Then again, mostly staring at Moon Bloodgood, which creates cloud of beauty...

Currently in Men Of A Certain Age panel. Still believe it's the most surprising drama more people need to watch...

Great riff from Ray Romano and producer Mike Royce on how they thought Andre Braugher was too great/Homicide-y/trim, to play fat, put-upon..

Then they all riffed on how Braugher had, ahem, put on some weight, maybe let himself go. "Could have been for the role, we don't know."

Uh-oh, first use of "metrics" on the press tour...Also not so pleased w/the cable trend of splitting seasons in two...

Piers Morgan: "I'm a cocky little devil, aren't I?" Yep.

Piers Morgan is taking over for Larry King. He just finished one of the most self-serving int'v session in TCA history. No mean feat.

Piers Morgan ecstatic that Oprah is his first guest. Uh, she's also coming here today to talk to 200 of us.

BET time. They are launching their first two scripted series. Well, one is a revival of The Game.

BET execs saying network shows not reflecting African-Americans in the right light. Wait, there's a network show with African-Americans?

Are you using a laugh track? "We are. And we like it." Salim Akil, exec producer of The Game.

Yes, Undercovers would count, but it was canceled. I think because the leads were too good looking. Made viewers feel bad...

As @hitfixdaniel noted, we are about to get porn swag bags. From Playboy...

BET leaves, Playboy TV arrives. They are airbrushing the dais. Thank you and good night!

Playboy publicist to table of writers: "Are you hear to see breasts?" Me: "Not real ones."

Playboy swag is a blanket "for two." Boy, Hef would be disappointed at such limitations. Also, we were hoping for a Snuggie.

"Playboy TV is super excited to be part of TCA for the first time ever." Yes, we can tell. #tooeasy.

Senior VP & GM said that their research showed couples watching their kinds of shows had a dramatic increase in, well, getting laid.

Just watched a trailer for Brooklyn Kinda Love. Now going to get tested.

I do not want to watch anyone on this Playboy panel have sex. Or, as it turns out, hear them talk.

Panelist: "If you watch one episode, you will be attached to each couple." Oh, honey, that is NOT a good promo.

Piers Morgan just announced that instead of Oprah, his first guest will be a mirror.

Leaving Playboy session because I can't believe that with the Internet, Playboy TV even exists. Sad reflection on American ingenuity.

Still to come today: Mike Tyson, Ricky Gervais/Stephen Merchant/Karl Pilkington, Oprah. Evening party thrown by OWN.

OK, Mike Tyson is here. He loves pigeons....Oh, wait, first question is about Michael Vick's dogs. Whuck?

"I'm just hear to talk about pigeons and stuff." OK, that's settled. Back to the birds. Wait, 2nd question about Piers Morgan int'v Tyson.

At one point, Tyson was considered an animal in the ring. Now he's making a show about pigeons on Animal Planet.

Three other pigeon people are on stage. There's lots of talk about pigeons. I can't wait for Gervais/Merchant/Pilkington to follow this.

If I told you Mike Tyson mentioned Waterloo, the Rothschilds, Napoleon and...oh forget it. But he did.

An Idiot Abroad panel about to start. Could be most excited I've been so far at press tour.

"Nothing is funnier than Karl in a corner being poked by a stick. And I am that stick." - Gervais.

These guys are on satellite and there's a long delay, which makes it infinitely funnier. Karl has his mouth open, looking confused.

The earpiece just came off IN Karl's ear. It's pantswetting time..

They are drinking HUGE beers, by the way. And yes, the earpiece did fall off in his ear. It's hard to breathe.

I love just watching Merchant and Gervais staring at Pilkington and laughing, slowly at first, then falling out of their chairs.

"People say it must be great being mates with Ricky. But it's not." Pilkington.

"It was my gift to the world, really. I can't get enough Karl." Gervais.

"Its' one of the funniest two minutes of television that I've ever been involved with." Gervais on Pilkington getting kidnapped...

Gervais can't breathe right now. He laughed so hard nothing came out.

Karl is still holding his ear. This makes Stephen Merchant really, really pleased. Silently, smilingly, pleased.

If Discovery had any brains, they'd let this go on for longer. Just called for last question...Booooo!

Gervais just spit-taked his beer!

Oh, God, iD channel has to follow that. Good luck, I'm going to look for beers...

Real-life FBI Civil Rights Unit Chief Cynthia Deitle looks kinda like Agent Stahl (Ally Walker) on Sons Of Anarchy. Too much TV?

Discovery Channel - not one of its 147 sister channels - is up now. Opening promo volume turned to 11. Was that to wake us up?

Can cable make EVERY job/adventure into a hit series? Coal. Gold Rush: Alaska. Jockeys. Um, Plumbers? Old Waitresses?

OWN up next. They just handed out Oprah pens. I was hoping for an Audi, actually.

"This is OWN's first appearance at TCA," Christina Norman, CEO of OWN. It was also Playboy's first appearance.

Norman touting OWN's ratings. Everybody does this for a week or two. Then, like Conan and TBS, they go into radio silence.

There are 13 people on stage. 10 finalists to get their OWN show, + Mark Burnett, Carson Kressley & Nancy O'Dell. It's like a PC rainbow.

Can the previous panel, Kidnap & Rescue, come and get me? It's like being in a cultist compound with Oprah as She-God.

The 10 finalists are explaining what their shows would be. For the love of God, someone kick in the doors. Come now!

This reminds me of working in a bookstore and all the people who wanted self-help books always asked for help finding the self-help section.

Gayle King: "I've lost my voice. I sound like a man." Oh, don't make it that easy Gayle.

Gayle , disappointingly, says we live in a world where we're rewarded for being snarky. Well, I certainly hope so.

Gayle: "Oprah is non-violent." True, but her OWN panels are killing me. And not softly, either.

Oprah just walked on stage and her people clapped furiously. She bowed. Then said, "This is like being thrown to the wolves."

Oprah is recalling her childhood without a TV and now owning her own network. The aspirational index is blowing up.

I wonder if the OWN staffers are going to hand out loaves and fishes.

"I see myself as a messenger for a message that is greater than myself. And the message is, you can, you can, you can." Can I leave?

Ooops, I just laughed at a tweet and Oprah was looking. I am so dead now.

Oprah is about to cry. I feel like an awful person. Gayle, I'm sorry about the snark. I'm not good with aspirational positivity.

Oprah is talking about Michael Jackson. How else is she going to hurt me - talking about the 49ers losing out on Harbaugh?

Someone's phone just rang while Oprah was talking. Oprah's people killed that person. True story.

Oprah just set a TCA record, is in fact still setting it, for longest answer to single question. About dreams, or something.

Still going. This bill will not get passed!

She's the Energizer Bunny of aspirational gratefulness and stuff like that. She's a unicorn of positivity. And SHE'S STILL TALKING.

Oh, for the love of God, YOU'VE GOT YOUR OWN NETWORK. Let us ask a question!

I'm laughing at all these tweets. And I can feel the death stares. I am not "bringing my best self." AND SHE'S STILL TALKING.

Fellow critics tweets killing me. Oprah is sooooo gonna keep us out of her party tonight. Heathens! Btw, SHE'S STILL TALKING.

And DONE. Critics clapped. Sarcasm missed. There is no sarcasm at OWN.

"I have felt the same as every person in this room." You mean vicious and sassy and drained?

It's the Cal Ripken talking record.! RT @sepinwall: Will get you an exact time for the Oprah filibuster when this is all done.

I will give any critic $100 tonight at the party if they ask Oprah about her dreams again.

Sharing ideas with the world is why she was born, Oprah said. Whuck?

Oprah says writing must bring us joy. Bwahahahaha. Yeah, but not money.

A thought, idea or a story is what inspires Oprah to be inspiring so that we can....is the air on in this room? I'm woozy.

Tip: If you're ever with Oprah and she starts talking, pauses, then says, "long story..." - just shoot yourself in the eye.

"The only true purpose of money...is to serve a route to love." Whuck? Oh, last question. "I don't want to go," Oprah says.

First Stedman reference! It came at the 7 hour 46 minute mark.

"That's where I am. Loving the recognition of who I am...." Oh, that's it. Where's the bong?

I feel like Oprah is looking at me. I'm looking down so that I'm not struck down. And she said unto us, "Look away." What am I even typing?

"Everyday I speak to my own focus group of 700 people." Oh, I bet they love that.

I think she's choking me like Darth Vader right now. I need air, OWN people! Crank up the air conditioning!

Oprah just allowed another question. I just used my Oprah pen to stab myself in the ear.

And it's over!

I tapped out. Oprah, you win.

Another critic just asked me to slit her wrists.

OMG! People are rushing up to talk to her some more! Masochists! Don't enable her!

If ever there was a time to drink, that time is now. The drinking lamp is lit!

I'm going to wear my name tag to the Oprah party. What are they going to kill me with - kindness? Aspirational hugs? Furry cats?

Besides, no WAY Oprah goes to her own party, right? Only she has authority to kill. Even Gayle's laser is on stun. There can be...only one.

OK, it's clear I'm spent. Going for drinks. Will tweet later about the party. If you don't hear from me, you know who did it.

This is for one question. Unbeatable time. RT @sepinwall: Confirmed: the#oprahfilibuster lasted 18 minutes and 15 seconds.