The AFM One-Sheeties: The Best of the Worst Posters

Best Scolding of an Inanimate Object

Building! What did your mother and I tell you about staying out past your curfew... and killing people? Bad building! Bad! We’re not angry with you, but we’re exceptionally disappointed. Now go up to your penthouse and don’t come out until you’re a business park.

Best Use of a Rented Demon Mask

When it comes to saying scary zombie in the woods movie, nothing does it better than a $9.99 rubber mask and some black tooth dye. Probably shot in the director’s backyard, this poster says all you need to know about 13 Eerie: it’s in the woods, there are zombies and ... well that’s about it.

The George Burns Award for Religious Comedy Key Art

We’re as nostalgic about the ‘70s and ‘80s as anyone so this poster for FilmWorks Entertainment made us all wistful, recalling those George Burns Oh, God! films. Everything from the “jokey” halo and devil-tail font to the trio of wily, no-good con-men with (you can be sure) hearts of gold, recalls a simpler time: when a poster with two white guys, a skeptical black guy and a random church in the backdrop was a guarantee of wholesome hilarity.

World's Least Angry-Looking Child

Believe me, we know angry kids. We’ve lived with angry kids, we’ve had angry kids over for dinner — hell, we were angry kids. But this little sweetie from Emperor Motion Pictures’ new film doesn’t even appear miffed. Well, he might be a tad dismayed about Mom dressing him up like a bowl of Skittles before he heads to the arcade aims for a new high score on Dance Dance Revolution.

That 's What He's Been Doing Since Suddenly Susan Got Cancelled

A film that dares to imagine what would have happened to Judd Nelson if, after he left The Breakfast Club, strode across the football field and defiantly thrust his fist skyward to the sounds of Simple Minds, turned around, went back to school and became a sadistic headmaster to a bunch of snotty rich kids. Who get detention. And then get killed. Just like in The Breakfast Club. Without the killing part.

Most in Need of a Catchy Tag Line

Is this a Lifetime movie directed by Robert Rodriguez? This poster appears to be going for “quirky indie dramedy with a feminist edge” but instead lands somewhere between On the Road With My Two Moms and Sisterhood of the Traveling Machine Gun Pants. And what’s with the bubblegum? It’s hard to say because there’s no tag line. May we make a suggestion? How about: “The biggest little city in the world is about to get popped.” Something to chew on.

Best Golf Film on Acid

Apparently a Legend of Bagger Vance for the psychedelic crowd, this poster is equal parts groovy and way too square. We’re digging the Magical Mystery Tour pinwheel, the VW bus and the caddy with the Afro. But on a golf course? There wasn’t the kind of grass Pete Tosh was singing about! It’s Don’t Bogart Me, man, not Don’t Bogey Me.

Best Mythical Beast vs. Historical Landmark

You may ask yourself how a bloodsucking cryptid could possibly fight a historical building from the 18th century, and to that we have this to say: good question. We’re not sure how this battle will pan out, but we can tell you that if the Chupacabra is hoping to suck the Alamo’s blood this thing is going to be over in a hurry.

Best Sexual Ambiguity

If you are what you eat, then Chef Ronnie is all woman. But we’re confused. Is Chef Ronnie already a woman, or is he a guy? Ron is a guy’s name, but Ronnie could go either way. The poster clearly shows a woman’s mouth about to munch on what appears to be a female finger, but any guy could easily throw on some lipstick and fingernail polish. Before he/she eats anyone (of any sex), we think Chef Ronnie should come to grips with what he/she really is. Either way, your family will accept you no matter what sex you choose. About the cannibalism thing, we’re not so sure

Best use of an Under-Qualified Family Member

Bad caricatures of Osama bin Laden, George W. Bush and Danny McBride walk into a bar. From there, it’s anyone’s guess what in the hell happens next. It doesn’t matter though because, if anything, this poster teaches all of us one important lesson: just because your cousin spent a summer in a booth at Six Flags drawing caricatures doesn’t mean he’s qualified to illustrate your movie poster.

Best Argument for the Romney/Ryan Student Loan Cuts

Rarely has a college-sex-comedy poster been so fully realized in its lowest-common denominator appeal. Framed by two bodacious, if faceless, coed hotties we have our cast: emblematic of American campus diversity with the nerd and the four wholesome-looking WASP-y kids with slightly different tastes in Tshirts. There’s the goat — promising hilarious zoophilic hijinks — and a tag line that goes a long way toward explaining why the U.S. economy is unlikely to recover anytime soon.

Best Cochlea Tartare

Yes, that is a human ear you see dripping down from the silver spoon. Cannibalism, apparently, is on the menu of this bad-taste comedy from New Zealand. The plot, apparently, has a middle-class Maori family with unusual culinary tastes taking a bite of crime after a gang of Kiwi gangsters tries to take them hostage. We’d just like to know what Gordon Ramsay would say about this dish.

Most Disturbing Use of a Man-Boob

Everyone knows two of the sweetest demographics are teenage boys and graying best-agers. But Geezers! attempts to combine the two — and front their poster with a topless J.K. Simmons — seems disturbingly misguided. The film’s plot revolves around horny old men in a nursing home — sort of a spring-break movie for the viagra crowd or the first sex comedy you can take Grandpa to. Either way, someone should get poor Mr. Simmons to cover up

Best Shameless Pile Up of Heart-Tugging Imagery

Can a poster ever go wrong with the combo of cute dog, old red barn and corn-dog plot premise (here involving, we think, a dog pining for the good-old days of steam locomotion)? A poor-man’s Lassie, no doubt, but with monkey movies not moving this AFM, its up to Sparky here to kick-start the key animal adventure demographic.

Best Avoidance of All Things Poker

Johnny Pointy Nose (center) has called on his friends — Jimmy “Bad” Mustache, Pink Cleavage, Steve Look-Through-Gun, French Maid Slut and Bald Shotgun Eddie — to help him win the car race! And what any of that has to do with poker is completely beyond us.

Most Blatant Attempt to Capitalize on 'Hunger Games'

Lori Petty’s autobiographical film about growing up tough in smalltown Iowa didn’t get much traction when it was first released back in 2008, but with Lawrence hot off of Hunger Games, American Video Films is pitching the drama again to AFM buyers with a poster that makes the It girl look as plain as the girl next door (in the trailer park).

Most Complete Use of all Asian Film Cliches

There’s almost too much to love in Mega-Vision Pictures’ chop-socky actioner. We can’t decide if our favorite is the Asian Carmen Miranda with her gigantic butcher knife, the kung fu monkey in silk vest and trousers or all those barechested gray humanoids in the background. But the WTF honor has to go to the lounge singer, who seems to have been Photoshopped in from a promo for China’s version of The Voice.

Best Reggae Horror Story

Get up! Stand up! Stand up for your MURDER! Somewhere, Bob Marley is crying. Somewhere else, Snoop Lion is getting high. But no amount of weed can prepare you for the horrors that wait in this new spin on an old classic. It’s a Jamaican Chainsaw Massacre, mon! With less murder and more munchies. Will Christian Slater survive? And, more important, why is Christian Slater in this movie?!

Best Use of Flatulent Humor In a Horror Title

The serial-killer movie and the fart joke are two long and proud traditions in entertainment, but rarely have they been brought together with such elegance and simplicity as in this Canadian schlock fest. The casting of Jason Mewes as an “unconventional serial killer” is near perfect. We don’t know how flatulence fits into this story but we’re hoping our killer’s mysterious murdering methods include cheese cutting and Dutch ovens.

Best Use of Flying Sharks and Ferris Wheels

The competition for best shark-related movie poster is always AFM’s fiercest. This year alone, there’s Jurassic Shark, the Two Headed Shark Attack, Shark City, Swamp Shark, Sand Sharks and, of course, Mega Shark Vs. Crocosaurus. But the poster for Sharknado’s devours them all whole — with its flying great whites apparently wreaking havoc on what looks like Coney Island and the skies above Manhattan. Never has an “Enough Said!” tagline said less.

Best Attempt: Being Like Another Movie Without Being Like at All

White Swan is kind of like Black Swan except, you know, whiter. It’s got the ballet and crazy, split- personality thing going on, but instead of Natalie Portman it’s got actress Sofya Skya, and instead of that French guy it’s got ... wait a minute. Christian Slater?! Again?! Does Christian Slater rule AFM or what?

Best (or Worst ) Use of Trailer Park Minimalism

As white as a Christmas snow, the key art for this future holiday perennial manages to say so much with so little. We’re guessing Uncle Cletus won’t be the only one in this house stumbling drunk by noon on Christmas Eve. Of course, the big question is, how is that wee sprig supporting that full generic beer?

Best Answer to the NFL Refs' Lockout

I know what you’re thinking: not another zombie cheerleader movie! We expect the plot is the usual: cheerleader camp, zombie virus, deadly pom-poms. But the poster to TomCat Films’ low-budget shocker is promising — from the blood-soaked but otherwise perfect teeth of the head cheerleader for the green team-spirit glow in these girls’ living dead eyes. Call it The Cartwheeling Dead. And all together now: B-R-A-I-N-S! BRAINS!

Best Use of Half-Naked Ladies to Catch Our Attention

These ladies kill zombies (with guns, high-heeled shoes, and... sex?) in their underwear and cleavage-exposing tops. Lucky zombies! If you’ve got the fever, they’ve got the cure... and they don’t care if you’re wearing generic military boots or Chuck Taylor rip-offs. They’re gonna kill you regardless of your footwear. That’s how coldblooded they are. And by “coldblooded” we mean “70 percent naked.”