What’s not to love in this sci-fi horror combo from Bleiberg Entertainment? You’ve got you army of zombies, you’ve got your ragtag band of rebel robot and you’ve got the Dolph. And the title screams quality. The plot? Do you care? Something about Lundgren leading the robots to fight the zombies. Or something.
Jinga’s poster for Black Forest is pretty tame, but we can’t resist the film’s premise: a witch uses her special blend of marijuana to lure suburban teenagers into her home where she kills and eats them to stay young. This is your brain on drugs. This is me eating your brain on drugs.
The pitch is good: two bank robbers seek refuge in an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, then have to deal with 13 twitchy hostages itching to get back on the booze while the cops close in outside. And for those who didn’t know, a boiler maker is a cocktail of beer with the addition of a shot. Geddit? Sobering stuff.
This film is about a “family in turmoil in the materialisti modern society.” As taglines go that is a major fail, which might explain the title. If anything this poster appears to be suffocating on it’s own seriousness. Zombies could be the only thing to bring this back to life.
If the poster is to be believed, this twisted take on the Napoleonic wars from Russia’s Central Partnership is way more War than Peace. Still, there’s nothing like a pineapple grenade and a cutlass down your bloomers to liven up a staid costume drama. Surely the only one sheet this year with both Tolstay and Jean Claude Van Damme on the credits list.
The art for this date movie is dominated by a hairy chopper and a sawed-off. But for eagle eyed buyers, the cast also appears to boast a naked lady sporting a fake nose and wig combo while an eight-clawed demon attempts to get to grips with the latest in a long line of the biker, gun and fire genre. It remains unclear exactly who will be left to scream when the blood begins to flow.
We don’t know much about the plot of this comedy horror pic from Lost Art Films but the makers ofEl Monstro del Mar have certainly mastered the lost art of the exploitation poster. From the steamy short-skirted, cig-smoking vixen astraddle the vintage Chevy to the retro red title font, this is a throw back to a more innocent time, when all you had to fear was some really nasty swamp weed snapping at your leather knee-highs.
First of all, look again: The title isn’t Fash Track as you’re likely to believe on a quick first look at these pretty people in cutting-edge outfits. Second, forget Paul Walker.Andrew is the new Walker! Third, instead of Vin Diesel, this one also stars Joseph Beattie. No relation to the more famous Warren, by the way. No Limits — at least not for false advertising.
Will this prove to contain the catch of the day for buyers or is this Fishnet full of holes? The comedy boasts that as the clothes come off the bullets fly, which seems like a win-win for everyone. While it’s certainly no the first time guns, ammo and stockings have been used to lur a catch, the poster is already a tottering, towering success of suggestion. And power ankles.
Spring Break takes a bloody turn in this titillating horror comedy from Arcstone Distribution. Six nubile ex-cheerleaders (natch) looking for a little fun and some unsafe sex instead get a serial killer with a medieval battle axe. Hirsute porn legend Ron Jeremy also stars, so you know this one’s classy.
The S&M footwear for this documentary from All Rights Entertainment has already got us kneeling in submission. It’s billed as the first doc to trace the “intimate relationship between women and shoe” but what’s caught our attention is the dominatrix pumps and the lipstick scrawl across that virgin-cream sofa. Somebody’s been a bad girl!
Poor Harold. As if living on a meager pension wasn’t enough, the old codger is starting to turn into a walking dead. Apparently, in the low-budget mokumentary from EastWest Film distribution, this sort of thing is spreading. Bat-wielding Brit hooligans are patrolling the streets bashing stumbling seniors. Anything to keep those 401k contributions down.
The poster for Fabrication Films’ monster cult massacre flick is a no-nonsense combo of mean-looking demon creature and the shotgun-toting trio — led by Corbin Bernsen as intrepid reporter Carl Kolchinski — set to send his scaly ass back to the seventh circle of damnation. We just like seeing Bernsen getting the work.
Highland Film Group’s ripped from the headlines shocker —sure the 1892 headlines but whose counting? — gives the real-life Lizze Borden murder case (Lizzie was the ax-chopping parent killer you’ll remember) the Stephen King treatment. We particularly like the Carrie-for-kids blood drenched nightie and the looming disembodied head of Gary Busey.
As if Detroit hasn’t taken enough of a beating in the economic downturn. Now, in Epic Pictures’ disaster film cum exterminator’s nightmare, the Motor City is under attack from a 50-foot tall alien spider. Forget Sony’s Spider-Man reboot, this webslinger could eat Peter Parker for breakfast and still have room for a snack of black hawks helicopters.
The vampires took on the werewolves in the Twilight saga. Now they face off against fresh opposition in Ninjas vs.Vampires. Who’s your money on? If the ninjas wield nunchucks with garlic on the end, that ought to do it. But then again, garlic may not affect you if you’re a vampire wearing a gimp mask.
What’s more evil than zombies? Islamic terrorist zombies! Highland Film Group’s Evil Dead-esque actioner brings back Osama Bin Laden as a zombie with light-bright eyes. A “who’s that?” of american actors head back to Afghanistan to finish the job the navy seals started and make Bin laden even deader.
Forget the Furious Five in Kung Fu Panda, take a look at these martial arts maestros. Apparently the guy with the grin also sells noodle soup, judging by the ladle. And someone should tell the sultry beauty at the back that her parasol is on fire. Where the hell is Petaling Street anyway? And movie execs beware — it’s known as a centre for bootleg DVDs. Maybe these warriors should clean up their own backyard before they take on the rest of the world.
Who wouldn’t be drawn in by that good-looking guitar on the couch? If you aren’t, you likely will want to know what rock and roll was made of. The film’s title suggests fresh snow on the ski slopes, but what do winter sports have to do with rock and roll?
We can’t get enough of the poster for Lemon Films’ Mexican would-be western epic. There’s the Mexican crime lord with a penchant for porno-star facial hair, the tomato throwing apache warrior, the evil grinning dromedary and a rose-tinted glasses dude that looks like he wandered in off the set of Boogie Nights. Del cine locos!
An umbrage is a vague suggestion, but there’s nothing vague about the blood splattered across this vampire’s face. The poster does leave some open questions though: Do the unfashionable cowboy hat and the fact that he doesn’t even care that his nice leather jacket is stained in red mean this blood sucker has bad fashion sense?
When Lights Went Out
Only God knows what happened when it went dark. Our guess: This lady bit her lip looking for the light switch. Or she hit her head looking for a flashlight unde her bed. Whatever it was, the young lady in the poster should consider paying her utlilty bill on time.
The Year Dolly Parton Was My Mom
It sounds like a pervy trucker’s wet dream, but is in fact the flight of fancy of an 11-year-old adopted child. The kid sets off across America, undeterred by her cumbersome country-and- western boots that clash badly with those socks. The movie features the voice of the real-life Parton, who’s “racked up” a few movie successes in her time, so maybe the magic will rub off on this one.
In this Argentine-set comic- book actioner from Multivisionnaire Pictures, poor government worker Martinez gains the god-like power to…make water for the country’s parched masses. To hide his secret identity from the Bueno Aires baddies, Martinez had done donned snazzy blue and yellow spandex, doffed his hair into a 50s superman quiff and cleverly taken on the superhero name Zenitram (or Martinez spelt backwards) Clever, huh?
Cassadaga doesn’t look like a nice place. OK, you can’t say we weren’t warned, since the tag- line does say “Evil Lives Here.” But a wrist bone that is appar- ently no longer connected to the arm bone and then impaled gives a whole new meaning to carpal tunnel syndrome. And what is that terror-stricken face doing inches from the floor? Cassadaga? More like house of flying daggers. Armageddon outta here!
I Am Bad
You have to be careful calling your film something like I Am Bad, since you are handing the critics an easy sound bite. But never mind if they think it’s bollocks. With NCIS forensic scientist Pauley Perrette on board, the mystery of what lies behind those eyes should soon be solved.
Séance: the Summoning
It’s a well known fact of cinema that the best way to represent that which cannot be represent- ed is by an eerie absence. Such is the case with the empty chair in the Séance poster. Is it the famous black chair in long-run- ning highbrow U.K. quiz show Mastermind? With those handy letters on the floor, we’re sure the movie will spell it all out.
After seven days of late nights, early starts, hard graft and over-indulgence, many Berlin fest-goers are themselves sleep- walkers by now. But for those who want to see more, check out Sleepwalker in 3D. It’s hard to see how walking lends itself to the three-dimensional treat- ment. The poster suggests that viewers may experience some motion sickness, not to men- tion split personality disorders and deep-seated anxiety.
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