Tooting Broadway? As in breaking wind on Broadway? Okay, we’re in so far. But why the dude with the pummeled face? Ah -- maybe he’s the one who was letting ‘em fly on Broadway, and the guy behind him didn’t appreciate it (no doubt he paid big bucks for his seat), so he gave him a beatdown. It’s all making sense now! And the guy on the lower left with the tape over his mouth? That’s easy -- he was Belching Broadway, and got what was coming to him.
Best Acting Debut
You can have your Finding Nemo and your Finding Forrester – we’ll take Finding John Smith any day. In this genre-bending flick, Christiane Amanpour plays John Smith, a young burka-clad man who has a run-in with a bouncer while a woman in a baseball cap tries to hail a cab in a field of flowers. A.O. Scott of The New York Times says, “I didn’t understand it, but I’m sure that was my fault.”
Best Graphic-Design Porn
We have to admit, the title is intriguing. Even more intriguing is what’s going on with those male-female symbols. Is it just us, or does it look like they’re enjoying a distinctly non-missionary position? As for the actual human couple, she seems to be enjoying herself, but he looks like he’s wondering whether he put enough money in the meter. Or maybe he’s just biding his time till they get to 1001 Ways to Enjoy Reverse Cowgirl.
Best Use of the Dewey Decimal System
This one has summer-blockbuster popcorn flick written all over it. Whose adrenaline doesn’t get pumping at the thought of a threat to our libraries? Where else would strange, smelly people go for long naps and sink-showers? But who is posing this biblio-threat? Is it loud talkers? Book-burning Taliban squads? Our guess: the Kindle.
Best Follow-Up Role
The star of War Horse told his agent to get off his duff and get him a new job -- and this time no running through barbed wire or getting his patoot shot off. The result is this sweet gig, where he gets all the tuna casserole he can eat and the only downside is two little tykes who fancy themselves jockeys. Now if his new family would just get a maid.
Best Merchandizing Potential
Cool sneakers, fighting robots, soccer, video games – the team behind this movie made sure they didn’t miss a single kids-movie trope. If only there were an exploding ball of fire and a girl with a princess tiara. Oh, wait, they’re there too! The only misstep seems to be that kid with the Hitlerian hairdo.
Best Argument for Eloping
Yes, it is true love that two insist on getting married when one is alive and the other dead. But who pays for the wedding, and how do you figure out the head count? Do you use a minister or an exorcist? What about the gift registry -- do the dead go for crystal? And who’s in charge of the thank-you notes? We’re all for true love, but has anyone really thought this through?
Best Oliver Stone Wannabe
This one raises a few questions. Does Vietnam have a dirty little secret? Which is a greater honor -- to be a UFC champion or a UFC legend? When did the military adopt the sleeveless look? Where can we get a great steak knife like that? And mainly, where is this bunker and how do we stay as far away from it as possible?
Best AARP Action Hero
Gemini is rising and General Brick Honeywell (Ret.) is clearly not happy about it. There he was, on his way to Costco to pick up his progressive lenses, when the whole solar system decided to go mental. Good thing he had his Bluetooth on, so he could call the Mrs. and tell her to hold dinner. And who’s this blondie following him around? Is she supposed to help?
Best Dream Team
We’ve been waiting a long time for the producers of V/H/S and the director of The Aggression Scale to get together and make a movie, and now they have! But it gets even better -- also on hand is the cinematographer from D/M/V and the prop master from The Hostility Meter. You don’t want to miss this one!
Best Julia Roberts Vehicle
It’s Kiko’s wedding day, but whom will she choose to marry? The devilish gangster with the plastic handgun or the handsome young prole? One is dangerous and exciting, but the other is good and kind and has an honest job loading newspapers onto a delivery truck. How is a girl to choose? Maybe she will jilt them both and run off with that old guy from Gemini Rising.
Worst Marketing Department
Somehow, this photo just isn’t saying Arrows of the Thunder Dragon to us. Maybe it’s because there are no arrows, and no thunder dragon, and nothing that remotely says ass-kicking action-fantasy flick. Maybe someone accidentally switched titles, and somewhere there’s a poster of a fearsome, arrow-firing thunder dragon with the title A Boy and His Mule.