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15
1 years

'Star Wars' Responds to White House Death Star Rejection With Sneering Letter

"It is doubtless that such a technological terror in the hands of so primitive a world would be used to upset the peace and sanctity of the citizens of the Galactic Empire," the Empire wrote in a statement.

Star Wars Death Star Return of the Jedi - H 2012
Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker inside the Death Star in "The Empire Strikes Back"

The Galactic Empire shot a rhetorical tractor beam at the White House on Tuesday, issuing a statement that mocked President Obama's decision not to pursue the construction of a Death Star.

The Obama administration said Friday that it would not build the planet-sized superweapon despite a robust petition effort, citing its distaste for the destruction of planets, among other reasons. The "Empire" -- via a playful statement on StarWars.com -- claimed that the decision confirmed its "overwhelming military superiority" and dismissed the White House's claims that the Death Star's construction -- estimated to cost $850 quadrillion -- would increase the deficit.

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"Representatives on behalf of the nation-state leader from the unimaginatively named planet refused to acknowledge the obvious cowardice of their choice, preferring instead to attribute the decision to fiscal responsibility," the Empire wrote in its sneering statement.

The White House also poked at the first Death Star's destruction, which came from a single, well-placed shot from Luke Skywalker's X-Wing fighter.

"Any attacks made upon such a station -- should one ever be built -- would be a useless gesture," Adm. Conan Motti stated.

The full statement is below:

IMPERIAL CENTER, CORUSCANT -- The overwhelming military superiority of the Galactic Empire has been confirmed once again by the recent announcement by the President of the United States that his nation would not attempt to build a Death Star, despite the bellicose demands of the people of his tiny, aggressive planet. "It is doubtless that such a technological terror in the hands of so primitive a world would be used to upset the peace and sanctity of the citizens of the Galactic Empire," said Governor Wilhuff Tarkin of the Outer Rim Territories. “Such destructive power can only be wielded to protect and defend by so enlightened a leader as Emperor Palpatine.”

Representatives on behalf of the nation-state leader from the unimaginatively named planet refused to acknowledge the obvious cowardice of their choice, preferring instead to attribute the decision to fiscal responsibility. “The costs of construction they cited were ridiculously overestimated, though I suppose we must keep in mind that this miniscule planet does not have our massive means of production,” added Admiral Conan Motti of the Imperial Starfleet.

Emissaries of the Emperor also caution any seditious elements within the Galactic Senate not to believe Earth’s exaggerated claims of there being a weakness in the Death Star design. “Any attacks made upon such a station — should one ever be built — would be a useless gesture,” added Motti.