Gender Bender: The Experts Talk Shop to Sellers

Men really are from Mars and women from Venus.

Kelly McCormick

Nov 11, 2008, ET

Let's face it: Men and women have very different buying and selling styles. It's time to get rid of the traditional sales method—it just doesn't work. Today you need to learn how men and women really operate. That is, if you want to stay in business.

Recently, I spoke with John Gray. His Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus book series has made him the top-selling relationship author. We had a lot to discuss. I'll warn you now: The following excerpts from our conversation could change your whole approach to selling.

Kelly McCormick: John, in Why Mars and Venus Collide, you discuss how men and women view problems. Needing a product or service could be viewed as a problem. Let's talk about how each gender might react.

John Gray: Well, women tend to seek out help a lot faster than men do. [They] are more willing to ask for help.

Men will try to figure something out on their own. Then, if they're convinced that they don’t have an answer and somebody else might have an answer, they're very willing to take direction.

Kelly McCormick: How about the sales conversation. This really trips sellers up.

John Gray: You're right. When a woman asks her questions, the wise seller doesn't just answer the question. They actually have her talk more about the problem. Women don't want someone just telling them what to do. They tend to first want to inform the salesperson or expert about the problem. They want that expert to ask lots of questions and offer options.

Women like to decide what to do and to feel they have choices. [The seller's] interest in her problem, asking questions and taking time to thoroughly understand the problem will create a sense of trust in the woman.

If you ask a man too many questions, he'll sense that you don't know what you're talking about.

Kelly McCormick: But under certain conditions, a man will want to ask a lot of questions.

John Gray: Yes, there's an exception. It's when a man is involved with a very big deal. It's when he's going to spend a lot of money, when there's fear associated with it, such as a fear of loss. This will cause greater apprehension in a man. He will need to talk. Therefore, asking him more questions is good.

Kelly McCormick: A woman tends to tell a story to communicate what she needs. However, because men are so solution oriented, they often cut her off.

John Gray: Exactly! Men lose sales by cutting [a female client] off with solutions right away or by suggesting what she should do.

However, this would be good for a man. If you can cut a man off with a solution, which implies that you already anticipate what he's thinking, that demonstrates your expertise and builds credibility.

But, it doesn't matter to a woman at all. It has the opposite effect. She needs to trust that you know what her needs are. By articulating them as she tells her story, a trust actually gets developed through [the release of] oxytocin. Oxytocin is the trusting hormone.

Kelly McCormick: Speaking of building trust, what do you advise men to do if they feel the pressure to sell now!?

John Gray: I think the pressure that men feel is that they want to make the deal. [However] you make the deal with a woman by taking a little bit longer to ask questions, by not being as pushy as you might normally be. This builds trust. This then allows the woman to be more willing to do business with a man.

It's not like men are in a hurry to make the sale. Men are doing what they instinctively think will make the sale, which is not waste time.

Kelly McCormick: What do you think is the worst sales mistake to make with women?

John Gray: The worst thing ever in dealing with women—and men will not be as sensitive to this—is to not call back. When a woman calls for service, for help or with questions, a prompt response will always build points with her.

For men, while it's good to do, they will be a little more relaxed about it. If I call somebody and he doesn't call me back, I don't take it personally. I think he's probably doing something really, really urgent, but he'll get back to me when he can.

Women will think, "Well, I'm not important." She's not going to be thinking, "He must be doing something really, really urgent." So it's a greater need for women to feel that when somebody says they're going to do something, they do it, when they say they're going to.

Kelly McCormick: Women often consider the needs of others when buying.

John Gray: I would agree. Women are biologically wired with a nurturing gene that men don't have. They are designed to think of others and often put themselves at the end of the list. When selling to a woman, focusing on the needs of others actually gives her more permission to buy, rather than focusing on her own needs.

When women do anything that's going to bring about improved relationships, improved communication, improved teamwork, improved cooperation, and increased harmony, it again stimulates that hormone oxytocin, [which is also a] stress releaser. So these are all potent words [to use] and experiences [to talk about] with women, more so than with men, simply because of the hormonal payoff.

Kelly McCormick: Men focus on how something will work for them.

John Gray: Yes. Men are basically hardwired to think about themselves and their own survival. When they're interested in themselves, they're also interested in claiming credit for the bottom line.

[Sellers can say], "This is how you will be more successful. This is how you will achieve more, because you will be able to achieve this particular result."

Kelly McCormick: Let's talk more about a man's need to get credit for something. It's very important that sellers understand this point.

John Gray: Well, men are always looking for how they will get credit for something. When a man can take credit for something, his testosterone levels go up. Testosterone will lower stress in men, it helps men to cope with stress better. It also gives men more energy. Men tend to need to make 30 times more testosterone [than women] in order to feel good about themselves.

Kelly McCormick: John, this has been a great conversation. What final message do you have for sellers?

John Gray: Your approach is never extremely black and white. Keep that in mind. But these are very good distinctions to have.

Stay tuned. In the upcoming months, I'll share even more of my discussion with John Gray.


Kelly McCormick travels the globe sharing her techniques to OutSell Yourself with Women and to OutSell Yourself with All Buyers. She also writes a monthly column on women and sales for www.SalesandMarketingManagement.com. Her book, OutSell Yourself: How to Sell Without Selling , is soon to be released. You can get Kelly's sales e-tips and information on her sessions, keynote talks and tele-classes at www.outsellyourself.com or by calling 800-889-9637.

Gender Bender: The Experts Talk Shop to Sellers

Men really are from Mars and women from Venus.

Kelly McCormick

Nov 11, 2008, ET