10:30pm PT by Dave Nemetz
'Game of Thrones' Grim Reaper Report: Swordplay Manoeuvres in the Dark
[Warning: This story contains spoilers for episode eight, season six of HBO’s Game of Thrones, “No One.”]
Every week on Game of Thrones, someone dies… and unfortunately, it’s rarely the person we want to see dead. Here, in the Grim Reaper Report, we tally up the fatalities from each week’s episode, and choose who we’d rather see going to that King’s Landing in the sky.
After a rather slow episode last week that gave us more church-building than sword-fighting, there was plenty of carnage on display in tonight’s Game of Thrones. Scores were settled, meaningful glances were exchanged (Jaime + Brienne 4eva!), and one plucky little girl got her name back. Let’s take a look at the casualties.
The Waif! After all the tormenting she’s put Arya through this season, she’s just been begging to get a swift comeuppance. And she finally got it when she pounced on a still-wounded Arya, killing Lady Crane in the process, and chased her halfway across Braavos like the T-1000 from Terminator 2:
Arya did take a lot of damage, leaping out of multiple windows and spilling a lot of blood on some perfectly good fruit. But she lured The Waif into a trap by heading back to her lair and then slicing the flame off of her candle, leaving them to fight in darkness. Nobody beats Arya in a blind sword battle! Next thing we know, The Waif’s eyeless head is dripping blood all over the Hall of Faces. Ew, did you have to blind her, too, Arya? That’s cold.
The Battle of Riverrun turned out to be the most peaceful transition of a castle in recorded history, as Jaime convinced Lord Edmure to take it back in a bloodless coup. (It is hard to resist that square jaw of his.) But The Kingfish decided to go down fighting after he realized his men would instantly change sides to Lord Edmure if Edmure just asked. Kind of a big error in strategery, don’t you think?
Back at Meereen, untold numbers of lives were lost when the Masters came storming back to retake the city, firing flaming arrows at the city. (Tyrion was too busy getting drunk and telling jokes with Grey Worm and Missandei to notice they were coming.) But the good guys got a nice boost when Daenerys rode in on a dragon to reclaim her throne, not a blonde hair out of place. To be continued!
Zombie Mountain got into his first real bloody tussle this week — which is good, because why own a Ferrari if you’re just gonna leave it parked in the garage? When Cersei was accosted by members of the Faith Militant insisting that she come with them to meet the High Sparrow, she snapped her fingers, and Zombie Mountain went to work on one of the poor guys, ripping his head clean off, Mortal Kombat-style. Dead or alive, this guy’s still got it.
Plus, The Hound got to avenge the death of his peacenik buddy Brother Ray (Ian McShane, we hardly knew ye) as he tracked down the guys responsible for last week’s slaughter. First, he hacked up four of them with his trusty axe, then he happened upon the rest about to be hanged by Thoros of Myr and Beric. The Hound wanted to slice them up good, but Beric only let him do the honor of kicking out their footstools and watching them hang. The Hound did get a new pair of boots out of the deal, though.
Who Should’ve Died?
A lot of villains met their proper fates this week, but a few more got off too easily. Lady Crane’s rival Bianca did get a messed-up face, but she gets to live while Lady Crane doesn’t. Doubt she’ll show up again, though, since Arya’s heading home. Unless her traveling show makes its way to Winterfell someday...
The downside of the action-less siege of Riverrun: It means that slimeball Black Walder is still around. But maybe Jaime can make him pay for slicing Catelyn Stark’s throat. (He admired her, you know!) Plus, it just feels like Zombie Mountain is headed for a major battle by season’s end. And if the rumors are true and his brother, The Hound, is the one to take him on… well, all of the Red Viper’s fans would certainly have someone to root for in that one.
The last thing that needs to be killed? That bottle of wine Tyrion, Grey Worm, and Missandei were sharing! Because a drunk Missandei is a fun Missandei.
Game of Thrones airs Sundays at 9 p.m. on HBO.