• The Hollywood Reporter on LinkedIn
  • Follow THR on Pinterest
MAY
15
2 YEARS

Jimmy Kimmel's Eight Funniest Lines From His ABC Upfront Monologue

THR takes you inside Kimmel's annual upfront roast, where he takes jabs at CBS' demo, the demise of "Work It" and those spinning chairs on "The Voice."

Jimmy Kimmel
Jimmy Kimmel

Jimmy Kimmel returned to ABC's upfront Tuesday for his annual skewering of his network and its rivals. As always, nothing -- and for that matter, no one-- was off limits.

STORY: Upfronts 2012: Complete Network Scorecard

In inviting the late night host to the stage, ABC chief Paul Lee jokingly noted he "can't believe" he was letting Kimmel do it again. But before the comic got his chance at the mic, Lee cued a tongue in cheek congratulatory video honoring Kimmel's 10th anniversary on the air. Among those offering praise -- and barbs: Cameron Diaz, Tom Cruise and, of course, Kimmel frenemy Matt Damon.

The Hollywood Reporter brings you some of Kimmel's best lines.

PHOTOS: Broadcast TV's Returning Shows for 2012-13 Season

On ABC's Advertiser Hard Sell: "It's hard to believe I've been doing this for ten years in a row now. And I'll be honest. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of new shows. I'm sick of the old shows. I'm sick of research. I'm sick of demographics. I'm sick of Anne [Sweeney]. I'm sick of Paul, and I'm getting sick of you. I hate to say it but how many times do I have to tell you this is bullshit? This is bullshit."

On ABC's since-canceled Work It: "Remember last year that show, Work It? You know we were kidding about that right? The fact that Paul Lee greenlit Work It should tell you all you need to know about what Brits think of us. 'It's utterly asinine! I reckon the Yankee nitwits will gobble it up!'"

On Lee's Rumored BBC Offer: "I actually have a question for Paul: did you really have an offer from the BBC or was it one of those things when you send flowers to yourself at work. Paul decided to stay because, in the end, ABC has something that the BBC will never have: DENTAL."

On NBC's The Voice: "Spinning chairs and a monkey, this truly is the golden age of television. They say the monkey tested very high. Whoever thought of putting it on a little ambulance tested very high too. This is the first time NBC has had a primetime star that throws his own feces since… Gary Busey on Celebrity Apprentice."

On Fox's X Factor Reboot: "I feel bad for Paula Abdul. She paved the way for this. She never got $15 million. She's the Rosa Parks of bipolar show talent judges. No one was more dedicated --or more medicated. We must never forget her. Ok, I forgot her."

On the CW's Oh Sit: "The CW has their upfront on Thursday. They go last because… they don't really exist. They're an imaginary network. They do have one interesting new show. It's called Oh Sit. The original title was 'Steaming Pile of Oh Sit.'"

On CBS' Aging Demo: "CBS will be no. 1 among total viewers. And say what you want about their shows, they really do have their finger on the pulse of Americans with almost no pulse. It's a great way to reach the coveted 18-49-trips-to-the-bathroom demographic. Raise your hand if you've ever said, 'Did you see what happened on NCIS last night?'"

On his Final Plea: "We know you have $9 billion to spend this week. So don't try to get all cheapo Secret Servicey with us. We want the money. But nobody gets naked until we agreed on a price."