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MAR
13
5 MOS

Parvati Shallow Recaps 'Survivor': Brainy Eggheads

The three-time competitor and winner of "Survivor: Micronesia" shares her insights into the CBS show every week on THR.com.

Survivor CAGAYAN 3/12 Episodic - H 2014
Monty Brinton/CBS
The challenge in Wednesday night's episode.

While the Beauty tribe may have lost one gorgeous member last episode, they continue to rule the roost. Meanwhile, our Brawns tribe gets cocky, and the Brains tribe makes another egghead play. I’m cracking yolks all over the place. Let’s get to recapping…Ready, chickens?

Upon returning to camp after losing her friend, Brice, at tribal council, Morgan simply cannot control her emotional attack on Jeremiah. In front of everyone, she calls Jeremiah a traitor and asks him why he changed his vote. Uh-oh. The good old country boy is cornered. He has no choice but to guffaw his way through some banal excuse about staying on the right side of the numbers. Morgan, “the woman scorned,” knows what it feels like to be cast aside, and now she’s making it her mission to turn the troops against Jeremiah. I understand being upset and wanting to know what happened, but what is up with this cast of players talking strategy in front of everyone? The worst possible time to talk shop with the group is in the dark, post-tribal when your emotions are at an all time high. There’s just no way to guage how your information is being recieved if you cannot see anyone’s face. It’s just poor strategy, Morgan. I’m pulling for you, girl. Get it together.

PHOTOS: Meet the 'Brawn vs. Brains vs. Beauty' Castaways

Speaking of strategic moves, the Brains tribe, led by Tasha, is practicing for the reward challenge again. The water toss challenge was an epic fail, but maybe a blindfold treasure hunt is just what the Brains need to prove their challenge dominance. I doubt it though, because this challenge is a ballbuster. Blindfolded LJ continuously slams his cajones into the wooden post, and Spencer follows suit. Kass takes a barrel to the crotch and then sprawls her entire body out on top of it; and strong evidence suggests Lindsey may have a concussion. Why is it hilarious watching other people run into things? I know I’m not alone on this one— all of you were laughing when LJ began kicking his legs out in front of him to avoid taking another post to the nuts. 

Needless to say, J’Tia blew it for the Brains, again. It looks like she just freezes in a full panic and can’t get the final item, the green flag, on the platform. The Brawns  tribe scores a major, come from behind win and takes home a dozen eggs, while Beauty wins first prize and a chicken coop. 

Much hilarity ensues from this precious reward. Jeremiah, in a dubious spot, needs to ingratiate himself back into the tribe. To do so, he decides to take on the hero role of ‘chicken killer.’ Apparently, this country boy has never slaughtered a chicken before, so he really goes all out for his first encounter, ripping the chicken’s head clean off it’s body. Thankfully, CBS mercifully blurrs the carnage, forcing us to speculate as to what that chicken looks like running around on the beach without it’s head. The rest of the beauties are in complete wonder. “Where do eggs come from? Do chickens have to do it to make eggs? What’s the rooster for?” Jeffra cluelessly asks. No one else seems to know more than she does, leading LJ to make the statement of a lifetime, “We all know the egg came first, because dinosaurs had eggs and they were before chickens.”

Thank you, LJ! You’ve answered all of my questions about the world and where we came from and how life truly began! You’ve got my vote. 

I can’t deal with these goons any longer, let’s check out what’s going on at the Brawns camp. Tony has really worked some manipulative magic over here. Sarah, completely sold on Tony’s lie, works double time to get Wu and Trish to jump on board with throwing the challenge. She has to get rid of Cliff before he has a chance to get rid of her. NO! Don’t you dare throw a challenge, people. Give Cliff a chance. Just because someone has money, doesn’t mean you can’t take him to the end and then beat him based on that single fact alone. Come on, people. It’s Survivor 101. You always want to take the rich guy to the end, right? Sarah’s strategy does not sit well with me.

VIDEO: Watch the First 4 Minutes of the 'Survivor' Premiere

 

I can barely breathe waiting for this challenge. If the Brawns tribe actually blows this one on purpose, I will be so upset. Fortunately for Cliff, it happens to involve shooting hoops, his speciality. 

Our three tribes arrive at the challenge, looking ready for war. Honestly, the Brains tribe looks more ready for lunch than anything, really. But they still go for it, sending J’Tia out first. This girl is an absolute challenge horror. She wastes so much time for the Brains tribe not getting their buoy that the Brawns tribe cannot go slow enough to lose this one. As one Brain lady after another comes up short, Spencer takes it upon himself to be the lone hero. He battles back for the Brains in the first part of the challenge. Bummer for Spence, the second half of this challenge puts him head to head in a shootout with NBA player, Cliff Robinson. I don’t have to be a fortune teller to know this won’t end well for the Brains. 

It doesn’t. The Brawns tribe’s plot to throw the challenge is thwarted, leaving the Brains tribe to march back to camp and decide which weak link to vote out. 

The decision is a no brainer. J’Tia has been the weakest in challenges, and the woman is responsible for you guys not having the fuel to perform in these physical events. She dumped your rice supply out on day six. That should be enough grounds to dump her tonight. 

“Weeellll, maaaaaybe we’re not thinking of something,” Tasha strategizes with Kass. If there’s a merge, J’Tia will be more loyal than Spencer. Wait. Stop. You cannot be considering keeping this woman in the game.

Let’s get to tribal. I can’t wait another second to see what these brainiacs accomplish tonight. 

The Brains tribe take their seats and— crickets. Jeff is speechless. What gives, guys? Should we have a discussion about this? As Jeff questions Spencer, Tasha and Kass are having a side conversation about who to vote out, in front of everyone! Jeff, never one to let things slide, calls the girls out. They are still deciding who to vote. This is unbelievable. What should be a no-brainer for the Brains tribe is still being debated two seconds before the vote. These guys need help. 

Finally, we get to the vote and Spencer’s solid challenge performance tops J’Tia’s would-be loyalty. Her torch is snuffed and she’s out.

I’m excited because I get to interview her on Survivor Live today. I have SO many questions!

Join the chat on cbs.com/survivor

And, tweet your comments @parvatishallow using #survivorlive.

This is going to be good.