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MAR
6
9 MOS

Parvati Shallow Recaps 'Survivor': Rain, Rain Go Away

The three-time competitor and winner of "Survivor: Micronesia" shares her insights into the CBS show every week on THR.com.

Brice Johnston
Brice Johnston

“Water, water everywhere but not a grain of rice to eat.”

That’s how the quote goes, right? I would verify my facts with the Brains tribe if I thought they had any real knowledge in their waterlogged heads. These guys come straggling back to their sad, dark, damp, food-barren beach and immediately begin a conversation about how they should have voted J’Tia off. Excuse me, people. Did you miss the fact that the last time you talked about voting off J’Tia to her face she dumped your entire food supply in the dirt? Stop it, already. While I do love watching these goofballs make fools of themselves, I am not a sadist. Enough is enough. It’s high time we see the Brains tribe smarten up.

PHOTOS: Meet the 'Brawn vs. Brains vs. Beauty' Castaways

Speaking of getting smart, Tony Soprano is taking on the role of head mischief maker at Brawn beach. In possession of the hidden immunity idol, this man’s confidence is soaring to new heights. He pulls Sarah aside at the fire late at night and informs her that her instincts are correct; he is a cop. Blue blood runs deep and Sarah is instantly hooked into the Cops ’R Us alliance. Once he has Sarah in his grasp, Tony proceeds to elaborate on a lie he’s created about Cliff and Lindsey gunning for her. Not good, Tony. The Brawn tribe continues winning immunity challenges, which gives them a fair amount of downtime to get restless. I have a feeling Tony’s penchance for drama is going to get him into hot water not too far down the road. It’s only a matter of time before Sarah questions one of her fellow tribemates and discovers Tony’s betrayal. 

Meanwhile, no one at Beauty beach has the strength to spin stories. As the monsoon swells, the rain dumps and the waters rise— the Beauties cry. And, let me say, even their cry faces are cute. Jefra is having the hardest time with the weather. Her zero-percent body fat may look great in a pair of skinny jeans, but it sure doesn’t provide much for insulation in the relentless, cold rain. Her only hope for making it through one more potentially rain soaked night, is to get these big, strapping, handsome men to work on repairing the shelter. Her will is their command and the boys are on it. Hopefully, these gorgeous faces can last long enough to make it to the next immunity challenge. 

Wait, did someone say, “immunity challenge?” Yes! Spencer and Kass collect tree mail for the Brains tribe. The clue says something about pouring water from buckets as a team and doing a maze. Tosha, hell-bent on getting a win, insists the group practice the water toss. A hilarious, face splashing, montage of uncoordinated clowns heaving water into tiny coconut shells set to cheesy classical music ensues. Man, I want these crazy kids win something today. 

The Brains tribe arrives better prepared for the immunity challenge than everyone else. They should nail this one. But, true to form, they suck … again. Both Brawn and Beauty finish the water toss portion before the Brains. The puzzle maze complicates things for Beauty, and this gives those loveable geeks a chance to get back in the game. Shockingly, they do not end up in last place! Brawns wins the challenge and takes home some much desired comfort items, including a tarp and a hammock. Brains takes second place and a tarp. Beauty takes a long walk of shame back to their beach in order to prepare for their first trip to Tribal Council. 

VIDEO: Watch the First 4 Minutes of the 'Survivor' Premiere

Watching the Beauties strategize makes you wish Tribal Council would just come early tonight, if only to spare us all the torture of watching these cuties trying to use their dusty brains. The only guy who seems to have the slightest idea of tribe dynamics, Brice, tries hard to pull Jeremiah into his alliance with Morgan. It looks like Brice’s politicking just may do the trick, as Jeremiah agrees with Brice and Morgan to vote off Alexis. Moments later, however, we see that Jeremiah has already committed himself to LJ, Jefra and Alexis. As the monkey in the middle, Jeremiah is going to have to get a little blood on his hands. The question is, which way does he need to swing in order to lose the least amount of trust from his allies? 

The glam squad greets Jeff at Tribal Council, and it quickly derails into the Brice show. He immediately goes into a strange monologue about the butterfly effect and how he has emerged from the cocoon to spread beauty throughout the world. This guy’s funny. I hope he did enough to get Jeremiah to vote his way, because I would like to see more of his spunky face on my TV screen.  

Unfortunately, he didn’t. The vote is split into a three way tie. In the revote, Brice is out. He’s the biggest threat to LJ and Jeremiah, who are calling the shots. It makes sense on an intellectual level, but I have to admit, I’m bummed. 

At least I get to have my Brice fix when I talk to him on Survivor Live today and interview him about his time on the island. Tune in to CBS.com/connect at 1 p.m. PST to join the conversation. 

See you guys next week!

Follow me on twitter @parvatishallow