12:04am PT by Jethro Nededog
'The X-Factor': 9 Worst Moments from Miami and Dallas
After watching the first episode of Simon Cowell's The X-Factor, we weren’t sure we had the energy for more. And we were right. What didn’t help was the fact that there was so little talent to be had in Miami and Dallas. You know it’s bad when the patron saint of Miami music, Gloria Estefan, has to do a drive by cheer for the crowd. We were waiting for her to say, “Get yourself together and stop embarrassing me here.”
To be honest, we haven’t watched audition rounds like this in a while. And once American Idol made a star out of a man who sang about pants on the ground, we knew we had made the right decision. Also, after NBC’s The Sing Off and The Voice had pity on us and cut out all the really awful auditions.
And here we have The X Factor. And as we expected, the horrible moments outweighed the good. That’s not to say that performers like Dexter Haygood, who didn’t take his second chance for granted, or Kaitlin Koch’s original rendition of “Stop In The Name Of Love” didn’t provide some much-needed hope. Their types were just too few and far between for us. May the audition rounds end soon.
Here are our nine worst moments from Miami and Dallas:
1. Ashley worries she’s going to toot. The self-professed starving artist who butchered Janis Joplin’s “Piece Of My Heart” lost us as soon as she said that pushing on her diaphragm may cause gaseous release.
2. Host Steve Jones's lumberjack look in Miami. God can only give someone so many blessings. Jones is tall, handsome, seemingly smart and has that attractive British accent (which actually might account for the “seemingly smart” bit). It’s his fashion sense where the Lord taketh as exemplified in Miami where he looked like a lumberjack. We didn’t know someone could wear one’s pants so high. We are thankful he changed to a much more becoming ensemble for Day 2 in Miami.
3. We get it, there are ghosts. If you haven’t noticed already, The X Factor tends to be heavy-handed in the way it likes to manhandle our two hours of time. Case in point: The whole ghost bit after they handed “I see ghosts” Ashley her heart on a platter. It’s like you have us for two hours already, so stop wasting our time with horrible bits some producer thought was genius and show some singing already.
4. When it got so bad, the judges just phoned it in. Obviously, Miami wasn’t working out. But, is this show so hard up for first round singers that people like Michael Jackson/Elvis Presley performer Nick Voss and Bette Midler/Morticia Addams Marivana get waved right in to the next round? Clearly, yes.
5. The delusion of Jonny Rogers. This just really made us sad. Where does this kid live where people walk up to him and tell him his helmet hair looks anything like Justin Bieber’s old hair (which even he had the good sense to finally get rid of)? And girls run up to tell him how good a singer he is? Obviously, a mom is blinded by her love, but what’s everyone else’s excuse? He’s young and can still be molded. We hope after watching Thursday’s episode he decides his strengths are far better utilized as the second coming of Napoleon Dynamite.
6. Dylan Lawson sold his truck. Poor thing.
7. Michael and Michelle’s musical PDA. We applaud their obvious love for each other, but we really don’t want to see it – especially not set to music.
8. Phoenix, the human didgideroo. We should have known once we saw the dream catcher belt buckle. Click here for an example of the indigenous Australian instrument called a didgideroo and tell us he didn't sound just like it.
9. Xander, who played himself. We’ve never seen someone lose their swagger so completely. All that attitude to protect himself against getting hurt and he sassed himself out of moving on. On top of that, worst singers had been waved through. He should have tried out in Miami.