'Survivor: Philippines': Parvati Shallow Recaps Episode 5

[Warning: Spoilers ahead of you haven't seen Wednesday's episode.]

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Let us begin with arguably the most awkwardly incredible moment ever to occur in a tribal council: Dawson’s exit. Girlfriend not only had her torch snuffed, but she clearly also developed a major crush on our lovable host during her stay on Survivor: Philippines. Judging by the intensity of her Probst-love and the desperation in her embrace precluding her exit, it’s clear that our darling Dawson is a hapless victim of Survivor Stockholm’s Syndrome, deserted-island style. Yes, Jeff is adorable, but the basis of Dawson’s love runs much deeper than JP’s sweet dimples. SSS is a rare, debilitating syndrome that affects about 1 in 50 castaways. It comes on strong as a result of fitful sleep on knobby bamboo, a mono diet of white rice, constantly wet underwear and being surrounded by a bunch of other island captives who are slowly going as mental as you are. Once a castaway reaches her capacity for discomfort, she will turn to the cleanest, freshest person she sees, her olfactory system will lock on to the scent of fresh laundry and boom! She’s in love. It’s simple psychology.

Dawson, we wish you the best in your recovery.

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Moving right along to the meat of the episode. I always get excited when I hear Jeff proclaim the much-anticipated phrase, “Drop your buffs.” This time, with Malcolm and Denise the only two remaining members of their tribe, his words are like fresh water in the desert. The light of hope and determination visibly returns to Malcolm’s eyes as he joins his new team and locks up his very first challenge win, ever. In a way, his winning play becomes a beautiful tribute to his lost love, Angie, whose only wish was to have a cookie. This chocolate chip’s for you, girl.

I’m digging Malcolm’s never-say-die attitude and his chances of survival on his new tribe. He’s in a power position now that he has possession of an idol, and since there has been irreparable damage done to RC and Abi’s alliance. Pete’s already approached him and showed his cards, revealing the fact that he has an idol. Silly Petey; that one’s going to come back and bite you. Mark my words.

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Oh, how could I have left out Abi’s bitch comment to Dawson at the challenge?? Abi’s snappy remarks and inflated sense of confidence may start to work against her as the game continues. As we move forward, I have a feeling a couple of the ladies will unite against the Brazilian princessa and stage a coup. We can only hope RC will stop her pity party long enough to get her head back in the game and go to work on Malcolm. Yeah, we get it, you’re sad because your BFF skanked out on you and sold you out for the hot engineer, but now’s not the time to regress to chubby, uncool, grade-school RC. Now is the time to push those big, beautiful boobs up, bat those gorgeous eyelashes and pull in the new guy! Rrrrroar, woman!

Over on Jonathan Penner beach, a sad evacuation with sweet, spunky Dana leaves the whole tribe in tears ... well, almost the whole tribe. Jonathan is grinning like a Cheshire cat as he watches the medical boat take Dana away. Obviously, JP is playing to win, and the evacuation of Dana only increases his chances of remaining in a power position within his alliance and on his tribe. With the inclusion of Denise, the guys have the numbers and can easily cut some of the girls before they have to turn against one another. Katie has some major work cut out for her if she wants to stay in this thing; otherwise, she’s our next dead man walking.

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Well, that’s all I’ve got for you today. Let’s do this again next week. Love you guys!

xoxo

Parvati Shallow, three-time Survivor veteran, winner of Survivor: Micronesia and the official reigning Miss Survivor, will share her insight into Survivor: Philippines every week on THR.com. When she's not living on a deserted island, she can be found continent-hopping in search of the hottest spas and vacation destinations around the globe. She sometimes teaches yoga and meditation to an elite, in-the-know group of clients at ESP Wellness Center in Santa Monica. Follow her on Twitter at @parvatishallow. To catch her in Santa Monica, check out www.espwellnesscenter.com.

Monty Brinton/CBS