'Survivor: Philippines': Parvati Shallow Recaps Episode 3

[Warning: Spoilers ahead of you haven't seen Wednesday's episode.]

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“I am down, but I am not out.” 

That’s correct Russell, Smarty McSmartypants. You’ve proven to us over the course of this episode that you are not only a master debater, but you can also dive into deep, poetic diatribes about Jim Crow and your ancestral tree of life. Bravo. 

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It’s a crying shame that, with all the wisdom you possess in your big braidy noggin, you still can’t climb a ladder. Russell, you’ve handed your team a nice, one-way ticket to tribal ... again. I’m just going to start calling you guys team Loserville. You suck in challenges. Point blank period. (I had to add the extra period there for emphasis to demonstrate my sincerity about this.)

I understand you’ve got less manpower on account of your multiple marches down tribal lane, but seriously, no. Russell, I blame this loss on you and if it’s not glaringly obvious, I’m having an emotional reaction to our beautiful cookie monster, Angie, being sent home because of your lame challenge performance. You know why this game fights you Russell? It’s because you make little girls cry. Survivor is a social game. How many seasons have you watched? How many times have you played?? Stop being a jerk.

UGH. I’m wringing my hands and shaking my head. 

At least we can all be comforted by the knowledge that Russell, even if he does manage to slip-slide his way to the end, will not win this game. In the end, your peers have to like you enough to give you their vote, and I just don’t see Russell making any friends out there.

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Now that I’ve gotten all that fire and brimstone off my chest, I will now list my top three moments of the episode:

1. Mike Skupin Busts His Face

Disclaimer, I know I’m being a mean girl today and this could have been a very serious and painful injury. I also know that Mike bears the mark of the island curse. He has been cut, bruised, burned and broken in every episode we’ve seen him. With Pete and Abi’s newfound closeness, we can only hope it’ll be curtains for Skupin before he manages to do some even more substantial bodily harm to himself. 

2. Jeff Kent’s Four-Finger Handshake

This is my favorite moment of the entire show. When Dana questions him about the missing piece of art from the top of the rice bin, Jonathan gets shifty and awkwardly loud. Classic Penner. He then decides it’s in his best interest to let the other alpha male on the tribe in on his little secret. With a smile and handshake (or so he thinks) Penner wins over our leading man’s trust. Not so much. J.K. didn’t give him all the fingers.. that sly dog. He kept one finger for himself, thus making sure we all know who’s running the show. I love these guys and can’t wait to see what happens with this faux bromance.

STORY: 'Survivor: Philippines': Angie Explains Relationship With Malcolm, Defends 'Cookies' Remark

3. Girl Fight

The Abi and RC sunbathing catfight. Watching RC try to have a logical adult conversation with Abi is actually more ridiculous than watching Obama try to wipe the smirk off his face during the presidential debate. Abi’s an odd, colorful little bird, who apparently has more interest in catching some rays and picking up guys than she does in being in your alliance, RC. Get a clue, babygirl. Abi broke up with you, she’s rebounded and replaced you with Pete and found your hidden immunity idol. Ouch. Love hurts. I’m happy to say, we’ve got some serious drama heading our way!

Parvati Shallow, three-time Survivor veteran, winner of Survivor: Micronesia and the official reigning Miss Survivor, will share her insight into Survivor: Philippines every week on THR.com. When she's not living on a deserted island, she can be found continent-hopping in search of the hottest spas and vacation destinations around the globe. She sometimes teaches yoga and meditation to an elite, in-the-know group of clients at ESP Wellness Center in Santa Monica. Follow her on Twitter at @parvatishallow. To catch her in Santa Monica, check out www.espwellnesscenter.com.

Monty Brinton/CBS