TV Upfronts: Jimmy Kimmel's 10 Funniest Jokes From His ABC Monologue

The late-night host is at it again this year with his annual upfront roast.
ABC/Randy Holmes
Jimmy Kimmel

Jimmy Fallon may have turned heads Monday when he told NBC Entertainment chairman Bob Greenblatt that he'd miss him and that he "had a good run, buddy," but it was Jimmy Kimmel who threw the toughest punches at the broadcast nets during this year's upfronts.

The late-night host returned to Lincoln Center for his annual roast during ABC's presentation, and he left no network untouched. 

From jokes about ABC's reliance on Shonda Rhimes to his own digs at Greenblatt, The Hollywood Reporter has compiled Kimmel's best lines:

1. “Yesterday, NBC told you that they’re the No. 1 network and now here we are also claiming to be the No. 1 network, which means one of the networks is lying to you — and I’m here to tell you that it’s us. We’re No. 1, NBC is No. 1, we’re all No. 1. It’s like tee-ball, everyone wins.”

2. “We’re doing very, very well since we started acknowledging that minorities exist. Over the past season, ABC has made incredible strides creating diverse programming with more shows featuring minority leads than any other network on television. All the white guys in Burbank wanted to make sure I mentioned that. We truly are the most diverse network. We have a show called Black-ish that was greenlit by a guy who is both British and Jewish. We’ve got people of color, we’re got women, we’re got men who are turning into women. We are committed to diversity at every level of our organization — except The Bachelor. We’re going to keep that one white. But we are so diverse that when CBS drives by us, they lock their car doors.”

3. “In an interview with Adweek last month, Paul said that ABC’s success this season is only partially due to Shonda [Rhimes], which is kind of like saying the success of “Thriller” is only partially due to Michael Jackson. I don’t know where [ABC Entertainment president] Paul [Lee] is, but let’s be honest, without Shonda, you’d be back at Hogwarts with the other Muggles.”

4. “There are rumors that this will be the final season of the show that built Shondaland, Grey’s Anatomy. McDreamy is dead. He was killed in a car accident suddenly, which was not exactly the integration that the people at Kia were hoping for.”

5. “We need more Bruce Jenners at this network. That Bruce Jenner interview was huge for us. It was an enormous hit. Seventeen million people tuned in to watch his chat with Diane Sawyer. That is why today we are making this solemn promise to you, our sponsors, that starting this fall, someone on ABC will change genders every week — and I don’t want to spoil the end of Paul’s presentation, but we I do want to say that we are all so proud of him and he is so brave.”

6. “Poor Fox. They’re in last place. Last year — when we were in last place — we said it wasn’t so bad, but now that Fox is in last place… they suck, right? But they do have Empire. Did they mention that at their presentation?”

7. “CBS is canceling one of their huge flagship shows, too. After 15 years, this will be the farewell season for CSI. In the last episode, they’re going to solve what they’re calling the greatest mystery of all, which is finding out who for the last 15 years has been watching CSI. And The Mentalist was canceled, too. So tonight, when you get home, make sure to call your grandparents and tell them you love them.”

8. “We have a hashtag now at ABC, TGIT — and I’ll tell you something, it makes all the difference. We actually have two hashtags: TGIT for Thank God It’s Thursday and OFITROTW, Oh F—, It’s The Rest Of The Week.”

9. “I was actually handed a note to read to Bob Greenblatt, if you’ll indulge me. Dear Bob, we’re glad that Dolly Parton will always love you because after what you made us sit through yesterday, no one else ever will. Signed everyone.”

10. "ABC is the only network to grow our audience from year to year. Why? Because we were in last place last season. We had nowhere else to go. But we’re not about reaching a big audience. We’re not about meaningless barometers, like ratings… We’re about transparent. We’re so transparent, sometimes we’re almost invisible.”

comments powered by Disqus