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MAY
13
7 MOS

TV Upfronts: Jimmy Kimmel's 13 Funniest Jokes From the ABC Monologue

The late-night host continued with tradition, roasting ABC's mediocre finish, NBC's love of musicals and Fox's big bet, "Gotham."

Jimmy Kimmel Live! Opening Monologue - H 2014
ABC/Randy Holmes
Jimmy Kimmel

Jimmy Kimmel continued with tradition, skewering ABC and the broadcast television industry at large during the network’s upfront presentation Tuesday from the Lincoln Center.

Kimmel’s decade-long act followed NBC’s own attempt at its own roast this year, which featured late night’s Seth Meyers and Jimmy Fallon, while Fox trotted out Brooklyn Nine-Nine star Andy Samberg at the annual dog-and-pony show earlier in the week in New York.

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The Hollywood Reporter highlights Kimmel’s best jokes:

On ABC’s claim it was the No. 1 network: “You heard Paul say it: ‘We’re No. 1.’ We’re No. 1? Look, I don’t know what this brand bullshit is, I don’t know what kind of 17-mile-long hand-drawn wire they spun that one in, but the ABC I work at is not No. 1. In fact, we might need to crash on your couch for a while. Even Anne Sweeney was like, ‘To hell with this I’m outta here.’ ”

On ABC’s freshmen slate: “Don’t get attached to any of these shows because most of them won’t survive. It’s like adopting a kitten with cancer. Oh, too much? I’m sorry. Then you’re going to hate our new show, Kittens With Cancer.”

On the Los Angeles Clippers: “Maybe you guys shouldn’t buy any advertising this year. Maybe you should pool your money and buy the Clippers instead.”

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On NBC’s jump to No. 1: “Last season, NBC was in last place. This season they’re in first place. As far as I’m concerned, we’re exactly where we want to be for 2015. NBC, they’re very pleased with themselves, aren’t they? And they should be. Who could have ever guessed that the Olympics would rate? The fact of the matter is, C-SPAN could have been No. 1 with the Olympics. Those video screens above the pumps at the gas stations would be No. 1 if they had the Olympics on them. And yet, there was Bob Greenblatt yesterday onstage rubbing his nipples the whole time he talked. It’s weird to see NBC do well. It’s like if your adult cousin who worked at Arby’s all of a sudden got a Masters degree.”

On NBC banking on live musical events: “For now NBC is on top and what do you do when you’re on top? I’ll tell you what you do: You double down and hit ’em with Peter motherf—ing Pan, The Music Man. Is Bob running a network or a high school theater camp?”

On The Bachelor: “We made history this year with Juan Pablo Galavis, our first non-white Bachelor, and everyone hated him so we’re never doing that again.”

On NBC’s A.D. miniseries: “Mark Burnett is producing an elaborate new miniseries for NBC called A.D., which he described as Game of Thrones meets The Borgias meets The Bible. I read the pitch for the show; it sounds more to me like total meets cluster meets f—.”

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On Anne Sweeney’s move to directing: “If anyone’s looking for a director with no experience and used to a high seven-figure salary and always getting her way, make sure to accept Anne’s invitation to LinkedIn.”

On the title Black-ish: “My favorite part of the upfront has been hearing Paul say, ‘black-ish.’ Paul saying ‘black-ish’ is probably the white-ish thing I’ve ever heard.”

On ABC’s programs: “Most of our shows are about superheroes or fairy tales. We may be a terrible network, but we are a great birthday party for a 6-year-old.”

On CBS’ downturn: “CBS did not have a good year … They almost didn’t beat us this year, but they’re sticking to what they do best. They’re adding another CSI. CSI: Cyber. I guess there’s still an audience for this. People who watch CBS are like Sasquatch. I’ve heard reports that they exist, but I’ve never actually seen one.”

On Fox’s Gotham: “From what I can tell, this is a show who loves everything about Batman — except Batman. You know that part of the story that’s so boring every Batman movie skips right past it, well now that’s a series. We’ll get to see the Dark Knight’s testicles descend every week.”

On Fox entertainment chief Kevin Reilly’s use of the word ‘eventizing’: “That’s actually how I popped the question to my wife. I said, ‘Honey, let’s eventize this relationship.’ And then I ‘pregnatized’ her.”

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