A Response to Kim Dotcom

 

Hey, Kim! I read your letter to Hollywood in The Reporter, and I'm so happy you want to be friends! I mean, I'm just an average working "Hollywood" guy and I don't have any multimillionaire friends with mansions and Rolls-Royce Ghosts, so being buddies with you would make me soooo much cooler! All this stuff in the press about "who created what" and "who should make money off of whose hard work" is so boring, isn't it? Let's just agree to disagree! BFFs!

I am worried about your assets, though. While you're under house arrest, who's taking care of the mansion and all the sports cars that were purchased with the profits you made -- allegedly! -- from posting Hollywood movies and TV shows on the Internet? Rust can build up quickly on helicopters, so do be careful!

Hey, if you're not available for a while, would you mind if I borrowed one of your super-luxury cars? I mean, when you think about it, they kind of belong to all of us writers, producers, directors, cast and crew who work hard every day to make movies and TV shows but are clearly not as clever as you are about landing the big money by posting other people's products online. I've been working here for 20 years, but I still don't have even one Lamborghini! (I know, embarrassing, right?) It would really mean a lot to me and my family if I could drive around town in one of those bad boys.

Your story is so inspiring. To earn hundreds of millions of dollars without actually ever making anything is just so cutting-edge and futuristic! Hollywood is so "dark ages." In the future, everyone should be like Megaupload: free to profit from what anyone makes, writes, creates, designs or owns in whatever way they can. I say, if Hollywood is going to spend all this time and effort making these movies and TV shows, employing hundreds of thousands of hardworking Americans and union members and then letting a guy like you become a multimillionaire off its work, it's our own damn fault! Holy cow, are we dumb! LOL.

I'm reminded of this guy who found a whole lot of brand-name jeans in a poorly guarded warehouse and then resold them for cheap out of the back of a truck. So smart, right? He didn't have that annoying overhead of making the jeans or of building a store to sell them from. Pure profit, baby! Only bummer was, there aren't any countries where that isn't illegal, so now he's up the river. Boo, FBI!

Personally, I'm tired of being a chump and writing and directing stuff for a decent wage when I could just as easily "share" other people's stuff on the Internet and make huge money off it. So I've decided to start selling all your property on eBay, beginning with your pile of luxury cars. That Mercedes Brabus SV12 alone will easily pay for my kids' college tuitions. I mean, sure, they don't technically belong to me. But if I can find a country where they don't really have rules about that kind of thing yet, I'm going to be living large! Probably change my name to Bruce Web$tarr. Extra "r" for extra RICH! You like it?

And hey, you're right; your life is like a movie. In fact, pirate movies have made like a bazillion dollars recently, and I bet we can get Depp or Cruise or someone on board. Let me know when you're going to be free next, and we'll grab a bite to discuss. I hear New Zealand is lovely. -- Bruce Leddy (aka Bruce Web$tarr)

A writer-director on the ABC/TBS series Cougar Town, Bruce Leddy also wrote and directed the feature film The Wedding Weekend and wrote for madtv. He drives a Toyota.

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