This story first appeared in the Jan. 11 issue of The Hollywood Reporter magazine.
Juice Crafters, three-day cleanse, eight drinks a day, $145.50
Morning: Wake up thinking about doughnuts. Remember I am doing a juice cleanse and immediately become sad. Drive to work and drink Greenest #3. It’s not nearly as gross as I thought it’d be.
Lunch: They serve lunch at work. Luckily it isn’t Mexican-food day or I would have started crying.
Afternoon: I have never peed this much in my life. At 4:20 p.m., time to smoke weed. But I settle for an Alkaline Tonic.
Evening: I drink my almond nut milk and Aloe Vera H20. Baller!
Morning: Wake up thinking about sno-cones. At 10:15 a.m., drink a pineapple, apple and mint Cleaner. Why did I do this again? Oh, yeah, I’m fat.
Lunch: I’m huddled in a corner crying with my Cleanse Guru in hand.
Evening: Bypass craft services and drink my almond milk instead. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
Morning: Actually feeling pretty energetic today! Chelsea shows up with eight bags of McDonald’s breakfast for everybody. Just took a bite. It’s an Egg McMuffin; you don’t say no to that.
Lunch: Two Cleaner juices.
Afternoon: Have a hard time finishing my Alkaline Tonic because I’m sure my body just became allergic to juice. 5:10 p.m.: I’m skipping right to the almond nut milk because it’s my new happy place.
Evening: Just patted myself on the back because I did it! I did a juice cleanse! Well, sort of.
Verdict: For juices, it was pretty filling, and most of them tasted great.
Kreation Juicery, three-day cleanse, eight drinks a day, $147
Morning: The first juice tastes great and has apples and something spicy in it. At 10, I drink No. 2, which is water, lemon, agave and cayenne, in the writers meeting and feeling very tired. I have a coffee.
Lunch: Can’t concentrate. I get some salad and steamed vegetables.
Afternoon: The next drink -- vanilla, date and almond -- is good. I finish it in three minutes.
Dinner: Having one that’s “great for hangovers.” I wish I was hung over. I haven’t had a drink for 28 hours. Is this what rehab feels like? At night, I get up to pee three times.
Morning: Drink two bottles.
Lunch: I cave and have salad and some chicken.
Evening: An After Lately PA brings my dinner that I ordered before I started the cleanse. I eat half of the salmon. It’s the best salmon I’ve ever had. Chelsea asks me how the cleanse is going, and I respond with my mouth full, “Not great.”
Morning: I have a juice and a coffee. I’m shaking like a meth addict living in a trailer in Lancaster -- no offense to Lancaster. I grab #2 and see it too has cayenne pepper. I’m assuming its purpose is to burn the poo out of you, but that hasn’t happened, so I keep drinking.
Lunch: I’m a bitch.
Afternoon: I have a Mediterranean lunch. I have officially quit.
Verdict: It was not tasty, and all the drinks tasted like cayenne pepper. I realize I might not like cayenne.
Pressed Juicery, three-day cleanse, eight drinks a day, $210
Morning: The first juice was green, and to be honest I was a little scared about how it would taste. I’ve never looked at green liquid and thought, “I bet that tastes good.” Gotta tell you, it was damn tasty. Around 9, I got a burst of energy like I drank four cups of coffee. Feel motivated and optimistic about the day. A half-hour later, starting to get a little hungry, but my skin looks better than it ever has, and I’m really horny.
Late morning: Checking the juices to see if any have meat. Energy levels dropping. Just drank two juices to try and put something in my belly. Just before 11, energy level back on high. Was going to work out, but I have to pee every 14 seconds. Just Googled “adult diapers.”
Lunch: Holy shit, I’m hungry. How many more days? Becoming agitated. Told my mailman to “keep the f---ing PennySaver.” Around 12:40, drank the rest of my juices for the day. Chasing the morning high.
Afternoon: Anyone know the best way to cook a squirrel? (Asking for a friend.) Couldn’t fight the hunger anymore. Had a sandwich. Washed it down with a delicious juice.
Verdict: The juices were tasty and make you feel good immediately, but from now on, I’ll drink them with a meal.
Failed to Juice
A bag of Kreation Juice arrives at my condo. I wonder if the “K” in Kreation indicates this is a Kardashian-related product. Must Google. All good -- no Kardashian association. I’ve been given Cleanse 1 for the inexperienced cleanser. Apparently, detoxing is an acquired skill, much like sex. I experience awful flashbacks to losing my virginity. I take a Xanax. I decided to embark on the path to a new me tomorrow.
The bottle labeled “1” slips from my hands and splatters. I call for a replacement. This day is shot.
Realizing I should’ve been completing the cleanse today instead of starting it. I seek solace in a Sausage Egg McMuffin. #EmotionalEater