Merrill Markoe Imagines 5 Donald Trump 'SNL' Sketches
The former 'Late Night With David Letterman' writer and five-time Emmy winner has a few suggestions for Lorne Michaels to make the most out of the controversial host.
Reminder to cast: Bring your electronic devices or a book to rehearsals so you’ll have something to do while Donald runs lines.
Cold Open: Donald Trump, mid-massage in his office at Trump towers, is on speaker phone to the other Republican candidates as they squabble about how they will run their next debate.
Trump: “Enough! I don’t have time for this. Give me 15 minutes. I’ll give you the greatest debate questions. You’ll all love them. Problem solved.”
A dial tone. Then the current Miss USA (Cecily Strong) comes in to take dictation.
Trump: Write these down.
Question 1: What is each candidate worth and who is worth the most? Thirty seconds to answer. No long explanations. Just figures.
Question 2: Who has the best contacts for buying the beautiful door that I will put in the wall between the U.S. and Mexico? Because I’m going to get that wall contract whether or not I get elected but this gives the others a chance to jump in on it. A classy thing to do.
Question 3: A president has to show competence in different areas, so which candidate has the best line of ties? Thirty seconds. They should each bring a tie with them.
Question 4: Which candidate has the hottest wife? This will be great for the women. Each wife will stand up in the audience when I call her name. Get one of those old fashioned applause-o-meters so everyone can see who the audience thinks is hottest. Carly Fiorina can enter as her own wife. That’ll be cute. One day she’ll thank me. It’s the last positive attention she’ll ever get. And make a note to give the wives a few weeks’ notice so they can lose a few pounds, get Botox, whatever. A couple of them are real porkers. Sorry but its true. Mrs. Rubio is cute for an eight. She’d have a shot if Melania wasn’t a shoo-in. Not my problem.
Question 5: The ratings will be phenomenal for this one. You’re seated next to Donald Trump at a fundraiser. You have 30 seconds to grab his attention. What do you say? If they can’t find a way to hold my attention for 30 seconds, how are they going to hold the attention of the American people for four years? Even if they say something predictable and hackneyed that I would tune out: Like… “Live from New York…”
Sketch #2: Candidate Trump
Open on Trump’s yacht where Donald is hosting Dr. Ben Carson (Jay Pharoah).
Trump: You’re wondering why I invited you here. The truth is I want you to join my ticket. If we pool our numbers, no one else has a chance.
Carson: Your ticket? Why don’t you join my ticket?
Trump: Seriously? Who would buy it? As a candidate, you’re not a star. If we’re a rock band, I’m Mick Jagger and Keith Richards. You’re that original bass player, Bill Wyman. Standing in the shadows, staring at the curtains. If you’re lucky, you get a few leftover groupies. And frankly America isn’t going for two black presidents in a row after the Obama debacle. You know that.
Carson: Would you consider letting me give you an MRI, to rule out that your personality indicates a neurological abnormality?
Trump: No. I wouldn’t let you touch me. My doctors can’t be morons. But you’ll be a great VP. You’ll get a nice salary just to show up and say something stupid, which is what you do best. The news cycle’ll love you. And it’ll give me time to do what I do…make lots of money. I’d be crazy to give up the hotels, the real estate and the casinos for that pathetic president’s salary.
Trump: Look. Let’s be honest. This sketch will never make it to air. That one with me and Kate McKinnon as Hillary has a much better shot. Your name is Jay, right? You do a better Ben Carson than he does. And there’s going to be nothing for you to do on this show once Obama is gone. Why don’t you join my ticket? You’re a bright guy. I could use a black VP. But not a dummy like Carson. You know he’s a total zero, right? Think about it.
Sketch #3: President Trump
Open on The Oval Office where newly elected President Trump gives his first speech to the nation.
Trump: You elected me knowing that a Trump presidency would be more interesting. So starting tonight I’m going to select my cabinet members using the rules of Celebrity Apprentice. Welcome, please: Dee Snider, Omarosa, LaToya Jackson and Gary Busey ... One of them will walk out of here tonight as my Secretary of Agriculture. Then tune in tomorrow when we’ll televise the coronation of Ivanka as the new Princess of the Interior. Much classier than Secretary. Everyone’ll love it. That’s all for now. I’ve got a lunch.
Sketch #4: Game show: Loser or Dummy?
Contestants try to predict host Donald Trump’s foreign policy stance by the face he makes when he looks at a photo of a world leader.
Sketch#5: Thanksgiving at Lorne’s.
The cast is gathered around the table, having a good time until Uncle Donald arrives. He promptly interrupts the holiday banter to tell each castmember that they are an unfunny lightweight. When everyone is too depressed to talk, Trump focuses on convincing Lorne (Lorne Michaels) to appoint him SNL’s permanent host and replace the cast with the last five Miss USA winners.
Trump: Watch. You’ll get real numbers for the first time. Not these sad late night numbers. It’ll be fantastic. I do characters too.
As we fade out, Trump is demonstrating his version of “Opera Man,” then “Stefon.”
Merrill Markoe, a five-time Emmy winner and former writer for Late Night With David Letterman is a humorist and author of several books.