Kristen Stewart's 'Trampire' Quagmire

Being 22 and an actress means never saying sorry, as an industry vet argues that the starlet's all-too-fast apology only has led to other problems.

OK, people. Enough is enough. Let's cut Kristen Stewart a break. She didn't kill anybody. She's 22. What was she doing? She was making out with somebody. What were you doing when you were 22? OK, the guy she was making out with is married with children. That's really deplorable. And of course she's the only person in L.A. to be making out with a married person, right?

Naturally, some of the misery K has gone through is earned. She screwed up, the way even people do who are not sensuous, immature, impulsive, emotionally bumptious actors. She then made the ultimate mistake. She apologized, publicly, in a lame and soggy statement. The fact that she entered the ritual dance sincerely only made it worse. Without revealing too much, I'll just say that in my non-anonymous role with a massive multiplayer media monolith, I have learned one thing: Apologies are viewed by the vengeful, lustful, titillated body politic as the appetizer that comes before the main course -- an execution in the town square. Music! Turkey legs for everybody! Huzzah!

The fact that Stewart paid the private price -- losing Robert Pattinson, the guy she loved -- was only the beginning. On Aug. 14, it got down to business -- and that's frickin' ridiculous. First, the director she was making out with was fired from the Snow White sequel. Then maybe he wasn't fired. Instead, it's K.Stew who's off the project. Huh? The sequel to Snow White & the Huntsman will go off ... without Snow White? Now the jihad is extending to her career as a vampire! Fan conventions for the 1,475th iteration of the Twilight saga are being canceled. No promotional work for you, young lady!

Come on, people. Who are we talking about here? Fatty Arbuckle? Roman Polanski? Was Cleopatra fired for descending into sexual frenzy with her Mark Antony during filming? Half of this town is screwing the other half at any time! It's a tradition! You're not going to change that by Stalinizing Snow White!

And as for you, Kristen, stop cringing. Stop conforming to the expectations of all the hypocrites and reconfigure the role you're playing. You're an actress: You don't owe anyone even the smallest peek at your true self. Put away the vat of ice cream. Put on something foxy. Go out. If anybody gives you any crap, tell them to go f-- themselves. Celebrity means never having to say you're sorry.

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Publicists Bum-Rush Pattinson

It was an innocent joke: "My biggest problem in life is, I'm cheap and I didn't hire a publicist," Robert Pattinson told Jon Stewart Aug. 13 on The Daily Show while promoting Cosmopolis amid the Kristen Stewart cheating hoopla. Sources tell THR the comment set off a mini-frenzy among top Hollywood publicity shops, many of which were salivating at the prospect that Pattinson -- who for years has gone without a personal PR rep -- might finally take one on. The Twilight star's manager, Nick Frenkel, is said to have been inundated with phone calls and e-mails from firms including 42West, Sunshine Sachs and others seeking meetings to pitch press strategies for the 26-year-old star (and offering to slash fees). Frenkel declines comment, but one source says Pattinson still has no desire to add a publicist to his team. Notes one veteran rep: "He's actually doing really well on his own." -- Matthew Belloni

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