Late Night Hosts Have Field Day with Iowa Caucuses
"All of us were waiting for the big meltdown," Trevor Noah joked of Donald Trump's surprisingly gracious concession speech. "It was like watching a porno where the guy actually fixes the plumbing and then leaves."
On Tuesday night, Stephen Colbert, James Corden, Trevor Noah and Larry Wilmore weighed in on the quirky and sometimes confounding ritual of the Iowa caucuses. With the results finally tallied, the candidates were off to New Hampshire, but the late night hosts glanced back on the big themes that came out of the first presidential contest of 2016: Donald Trump's loss and Ted Cruz's victory, Bernie Sanders' and Hillary Clinton's virtual tie and all that coin tossing.
On The Late Show, Colbert poked fun at the true momentousness of the Iowa results, joking that "following the Iowa caucuses everything has changed in that none of these people will set foot in Iowa for any reason."
He then turned his attention to Clinton's narrow margin of victory over Sanders, "Yes, last night's democratic caucus was super close. Hillary won by three-tenths of one percent. Or as it's known in Iowa: Carl."
As for how Clinton pulled off that win, Colbert then cracked some jokes about the coin toss method of deciding close calls in Iowa. "The democrats picked a winner last night the same way roommates decide who has to drive to taco bell," Colbert joked, before noting Clinton's remarkable coin tossing luck. "Hillary won all six of the coin tosses. With that kind of coin flipping prowess forget the Democrats, the Broncos should draft Hillary for the Super Bowl on Sunday."
Colbert also remarked on Trump's shockingly gracious concession speech to Ted Cruz. "Who are you and what have you done with Donald Trump's body?" said a concerned Colbert after listening to a moment of Trump's speech. "This man is an imposter. I mean, that is clearly a wig up there."
On The Late Late Show, James Corden focused most of his jokes on Cruz.
"Ted Cruz won first place and gave a 32-minute speech," Corden laughed. "To be fair, the first 31 minutes were just people shouting, 'Really? Him? This guy? We're going with this guy? We were kidding! I did it as a joke!' "
Corden continued, "Ted Cruz's victory raises a lot of questions. One: 'Can he keep his momentum going into New Hampshire?' And two: 'Just how much money does it cost to move to Canada?' "
On The Daily Show Trevor Noah continued to jokingly marvel at the weirdness of American presidential elections from his position as a newcomer to the process. On Tuesday night, he began with a bit about the informality of collecting votes in Iowa. Over a picture of the various containers caucus goers used to tally votes, Noah laughed, "How obsessed are Americans with food? You put your votes in popcorn containers? And why do you have popcorn containers just lying around?!"
As for the coin-toss method of deciding the results of months and months of campaigning, Noah quipped, "Bernie was right, I guess money does decide elections."
Noah also remarked on the Clinton camp's move to call her the winner before all the votes were in. "That's not cool, Hillary," Noah protested. "You can't just call yourself the winner before all the votes are in. It's not like riding shotgun. Only 82 percent of the votes were in. It sounded like Hillary just pulled an Arianna Grande and licked all the ballots. 'Well my saliva's on these so they're mine!' "
Noah also expressed surprise at Trump's diplomatic concession speech, saying, "All of us were waiting for the big meltdown. It was like watching a porno where the guy actually fixes the plumbing and then leaves."
Finally, like Corden, Noah joked about the length of Cruz's victory speech. "I've heard it said that long after the apocalypse there will be only two things remaining, cockroaches and Ted Cruz's speech. And then the cockroaches will kill themselves because f— that."
Larry Wilmore on The Nightly Show began with a Trump joke, saying, "The Iowa caucuses set up a three way race between Ted Cruz, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio. Or as Trump calls it, 'Me and a couple of half-rapists,' " alluding to Trump's comments about immigrants. Wilmore then proceeded to pick up a bullhorn and shout "You're a loser!" to Trump.
Wilmore also focused in on the haphazard nature of the Iowa contest, showing footage of ballot counters dropping paper ballots. “We’re one sneeze away from a Constitutional crisis!" Wilmore shouted. "And did you notice the guy counting the votes was wearing a Jeb! vest? It’s like the Florida recount all over again!"
The host also noted one woman who couldn't report the caucus results because her cell phone had died. "How did she not know this was coming?" Wilmore cried. "You had four years to charge your phone, lady! Four years!"
Wilmore ended with coin-toss joke: "So, a lady in a gym tosses a coin and you got your winner. I find it ironic that our founding fathers like George Washington, whose head is spinning on that coin, is also spinning in his grave knowing this is our electoral system."