My Fantasy Night With 'Mad Men's' Joan

"Mad Men's" Joan
"Mad Men's" Joan

"The Walking Dead" executive producer Gale Anne Hurd, Margaret Cho and "Don't Trust the B---- in Apt 23" executive producer Nahnatchka Khan were among the Hollywood women who penned personal essays on "Mad Men's" breakout bombshell.


1. Let's start with the name "Joan." Joan -- a name for people whose parents are too lazy to say "Joanne." This name has fallen out of favor. I think it's because you can't say the name without raising an eyebrow and following it with a "Not again, Joan" shake of the head. What happened to all the Joans? Joan of Arc, Joan Blondell, the old-timey TV show I Married Joan. (Imagined commercial for I Married Joan: I don't know what you did with Joan, but I married her!)

2. You know how in modern times when a star gains weight, gossip magazines proclaim that they "love their curves" but you don't believe them because these days "curves" is code for "fat"? Not only does Joan love her curves, everyone else does, too. Joan should invent the lady gym Curves, but the only exercise would be putting on a fur coat and giving bitches the "side-eye."

3. Pen around the neck. Why don't I do this EVERY DAY? I can't find a pen RIGHT NOW. If only I had a pen around my neck, right? Neck pens for all!

4. Joan sticks with things. That hairdo? She's going to have it when she's 80, only it'll be higher. Also, Joan's not addicted to shopping. Girlfriend has, like, five dresses. She must live at the dry cleaners.

5. Joan's mom, or "Double Joan." Take Joan, multiply her with Joan, and you have Joan's mom.

6. Christina Hendricks plays Joan: She's brilliant, funny, sad, beautiful and my imaginary best friend.

Lonow is exec producer of ABC's upcoming How to Live With Your Parents (For the Rest of Your Life)


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