Mitt Romney's 'Debate Notes' Uncovered

 Comedy Central

This story first appeared in the Oct. 5 issue of The Hollywood Reporter magazine.

MITT ROMNEY MOCK DEBATE #12

(As transcribed and leaked by disgruntled waitstaff in the Denver Marriott)

ROMNEY CAMPAIGN MANAGER

Governor Romney, please begin with a 15-second introduction.

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ROMNEY

Gosh, I'd be happy to. And first off, I would think you wouldn't want anyone to be president if they couldn't introduce themselves in less than 15 seconds. As a matter of fact, I've looked at all my past introductions, and my goodness, I have never introduced myself for longer than 15 seconds. For Pete's --

ROMNEY CAMPAIGN MANAGER

Time. Who would you nominate for the Supreme Court?

ROMNEY

I love America. I love the greatness of America. I love all 100 percent of America. I love the height of the trees in America. I love the majestic purpleness of America's mountains. The wavy amberness of America's grain. By golly, it reminds me of that old American song -- (singing) "Oh beautiful, for spacious skies -- "

ROMNEY CAMPAIGN MANAGER

Let's move on. You recently hinted you might forgo a salary as president. You've even suggested that an incentive-based payment system for the presidency might not be such a horrible idea. How exactly would that work?

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ROMNEY

Easy. When the country wins, I win. If I reduce the deficit by a trillion, boom -- a billion of that comes back to me. If the Dow breaks 15,000, I take 2 percent off the top -- the standard maintenance fee. It'll all be reflected in the contract.

ROMNEY CAMPAIGN MANAGER

I'm sorry -- contract?

ROMNEY

The contract that outlines the job requirements, benefits package and compensation schedule of the Executive Branch.

ROMNEY CAMPAIGN MANAGER

You mean the Constitution?

ROMNEY

Mount Rushmore.

ROMNEY CAMPAIGN MANAGER

I beg your pardon?

ROMNEY

Your earlier question. I would nominate Mount Rushmore to the Supreme Court. Kidding! But seriously, Mount Rushmore should be on the Supreme Court.

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ROMNEY CAMPAIGN MANAGER

Did you watch the Emmys?

ROMNEY

Oh gosh, yes. Ann and I are avid television viewers. She likes Hamm and Baldwin. Must be that great hair and those matinee-idol good looks! (Laughs) Me, I prefer Ernst & Young.

ROMNEY CAMPAIGN MANAGER

Clint Eastwood made quite a stir at the convention. Does he want a job in your administration?

ROMNEY

Honestly, I'm not sure. All he said is, he wants to yell at my cabinet.

Bleyer also is the author of Me the People: One Man’s Selfless Quest to Rewrite the Constitution of the United States of America.

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