Power Lawyers 2014: Hollywood Attorneys Share Their Favorite Jokes

8:30 AM PST 04/30/2014 by THR Staff
Miller Mobley

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Why won't sharks attack lawyers? THR's Power 100 share their best lawyer jabs.

This story first appeared in the May 9 issue of The Hollywood Reporter magazine. 

"How many lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake it and one to sue the ladder company."

 

—Lindsay Conner 

"A lawyer in a terrible car accident moans, 'My Porsche, my Porsche.' The paramedic says, 'Your Porsche?! Your right arm is cut off!' The lawyer moans, 'My Rolex, my Rolex.'"

—Henry Gradstein

"Why won't sharks attack lawyers?

Professional courtesy."

—Martin Singer

"If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolf Hitler, Attila the Hun and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?

Shoot the lawyer twice." 

—Gary Stiffelman

"Why do scientists use lawyers in experiments instead of lab rats?

So they don't become attached."

—John P. Burke

"A guy asks to speak to his lawyer and the person answering the phone says, 'I'm sorry, but your lawyer has passed away.' The guy calls the next day and asks the same question and gets the same response. He does this for the next five days and finally the person answering the phone says, 'Sir, why do you keep calling?' The guy says, 'I just love the way that sounds.' "

—Warren Dern

"What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?

His partners."

—Joel McKuin 

RELATED LINKS:

Power Lawyers 2014: The Complete List A-Z

The Top 12 Entertainment Law Schools for Hollywood

Meet THR's Raising the Bar Honoree

Six Attorneys Who Orchestrate Music's Biggest Deals

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The Corporate Lawyers

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