TCA: 4 Brutally Honest Exec Speeches, Presented by Tim Goodman

11:58 AM PST 01/05/2012 by Tim Goodman
Alex Fine

THR's chief TV critic has kindly drafted introductory remarks for the Big Four network heads that you won't likely hear at winter press tour.

This story first appeared in the Jan. 13, 2012 issue of The Hollywood Reporter magazine.

THR's chief TV critic has kindly drafted introductory remarks for the Big Four network heads as they greet the Television Critics Association at its winter press tour.

Nina Tassler, CBS

"First, let me say sorry in advance for ¡Rob! Look, it's what we do. It's going to be gold, or it'll be How to Be a Gentleman. In either case, we move on. We never look back. We just dominate. No more apologies -- not even for crapping all over Rules of Engagement again or tolerating the racism in 2 Broke Girls or continuing to make your lives miserable with Two and a Half Men. We don't care. We don't read you. We're not making television for you. We just count the money. We're adding, what, two new shows this midseason? There's no room because we're too busy being successful. The Good Wife has more viewers than everything on HBO combined, but you never write about that, do you? All right, questions?"

Bob Greenblatt, NBC

"I'm not going to apologize for taking this job. Somebody had to do it. I was just trying to be nice. It would have been a lot easier to take over Starz. I do regret saying this fall season was mine when it really wasn't. Shouldn't have fallen on that sword. Because it hurts -- like watching all of those crappy shows, right? The midseason is mine, but, hey, nobody said I was going to right the ship in my first year. Back off a bit. You guys are so touchy, with your Community venom and all those Whitney barbs. Come on, let's play nice. I'm keeping all the Thursday shows on the air pretty much for you people. So, decorum. OK, one word for you: Smash. Two more: The Voice. We're bringing "must see" back -- in due time. How long did  it take to build Rome? Exactly. And that wasn't financed by Comcast, I'll tell you that."

Paul Lee, ABC

"Let me give you what you want and deserve: an apology in advance for Work It. I apologize to the world. And to Bosom Buddies. Now, from you I want an apology as well -- for mocking our fall chances. Revenge? Suburgatory? Once Upon a Time? Hits, you nonbelievers! I've scheduled you all for a run on Wipeout. As you know, we greenlighted 146 new series this year, so we can easily replace Charlie's Angels -- sorry again -- Man Up! and Pan Am. And even though you didn't want Tim Allen, viewers did. Besides, Tim is kindly paying for half of the leftover Pan Am fees, so we love him. Look for him on Dancing With the Stars. Now, let me talk a bit about the 70 new shows we have this midseason …"

Kevin Reilly, Fox

"You've seen New Girl, right? That's a nonanimated comedy hit, baby, so eat it, Tim Goodman! No, I kid. We also killed with The X Factor. Huge success. Bought us a little time to fix Steven Tyler's front teeth, J.Lo's marriage woes and Randy Jackson's lack of charisma. But I can't believe you guys bought that whole Simon-sends-Melanie-home ruse. You're not the sharpest knives in the drawer, I see. On a serious note, I'd like to apologize for I Hate My Teenage Daughter. Also for not airing Allen Gregory. What? We aired it? Moving on. … Big fall for us, and you know we normally just mail it in until midseason. Which pretty much means we've won this thing already, no matter what CBS whines about. Plus, Tim Allen has agreed to pay off some of our Terra Nova debt. Class act. You've seen New Girl, right? Great. Have some candy; here are 13 clips from Glee."

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