Husband for Hire
Empty8 p.m. Saturday, Jan. 19
Those hankering for original TV product that has no tie to the world of reality can't do better than this inane Oxygen comedy telepic, which boasts about as unrealistic a premise as can be found in this dimension.
It stars Nadine Velazquez ("My Name Is Earl") as Lola, a princess with a penchant for displaying her cleavage as nakedly as basic cable allows. According to a bizarre clause in her mother's will, she has 48 hours to find a husband and tie the knot or the fortune she's supposed to inherit at age 25 will go bye-bye.
So she goes out and picks a day laborer (Mark Consuelos) she thinks will suit the requirements of her demanding daddy Victor (a painfully stiff Erik Estrada) -- because Dad has to give his approval as per said will.
The groom-to-be is promised $100,000 a year in the deal. Imagine her shock when the laborer turns out to be not a Latino but a white boy named Bo! It's nothing compared with the shock of the audience given Consuelos' ethnicity and skin tone. Why not just choose Sandra Oh to play a black woman?
The usual dopey mix-ups ensue when Victor uses Lola's scheming ex-fiance Marco (Mario Lopez) to track the couple's whereabouts and satisfy his own dastardly ends or something, while Bo's blond girlfriend runs around trying to make trouble herself.
For reasons best left unknown, Bo also has a doughy white boy best pal (Jayce Bartok), while Lola's partner in marital crime turns out to be none other than Tempestt Bledsoe of "The Cosby Show" fame (as Nina).
Of course, Lola and Bo have to start falling for each other for real, given her chest and his pecs. This does not, however, require a spoiler alert, as "Husband for Hire" is so utterly ridiculous and predictable that it's virtually impossible not to connect each and every dot before the doltish characters do.
We wonder why the made-for-TV movie remains on life support. I hear the cry for euthanasia growing suddenly more urgent.