I Kissed a Vampire: Film Review

Operating on the assumption that putting the words "teen," "vampire" and "musical" into the same sentence will magically attract viewers, Chris Sean Nolan's I Kissed a Vampire could only be attention-worthy if it were made by high school fans of Twilight and Glee, not those out to make a buck off them. Its theatrical bookings should vanish in the daylight, and a small-screen release will leave any takers feeling burned.

Goody-goody teen sweethearts Dylan and Sara hit a romantic roadblock when he is bit by a fellow student and catches slow-acting vampirism. Dylan tries to hide his condition, leaving the neglected Sara open to the advances of, no kidding, Trey Sylvania -- a full-on vampire who'd like to add one more conquest to his gaggle of undead concubines.

That synopsis might sound like an actual plot. But Vampire's script reads like a half-hearted attempt to get from one musical number to the next -- forgivable, perhaps, if any of the songs were worth hearing. Our would-be Bieber and Britney do the best they can with risible material and choreography that will inspire pity from generous viewers -- their song-and-dance interrupted by a couple of comic relief subplots so corny and overacted one imagines they're leftover from a porn parody of vampire flicks. Production design and costumes are similarly low-grade.

Opens: Friday, March 30 (Monterey Media)
Production Companies: Monterey Media, Alter Ego
Cast: Lucas Grabeel, Drew Seeley, Adrian Slade, Chris Coppola, Mekia Cox, Amy Paffrath, Emily Morris, Lori Lively
Director: Chris Sean Nolan
Screenwriters: Chris Sean Nolan, Laurie Nolan
Producer: Laurie Nolan
Executive producer: Mike Slade
Director of photography: Christopher Gosch
Production designer: Elvis Restaino
Music: Frankie Blue
Costume designer: Shannin Markham Carr
Editor: Chris Nolan
PG, 90 minutes