Everything We Know We Learned From Television: Vol. 1

Presidential Debate 2 October 16 - H 2012
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Presidential Debate 2 October 16 - H 2012

Everything We Know We Learned From Television:

        “Sounds kind of porn-y.” That’s the note I took during the presidential debate when Mitt Romney said he went  through binders full of women. I’m sure somewhere in the porn industry Binders Full Of Women is already in production.

* Since I loathe politics, I’m always desperately looking for something out of the ordinary to happen. Like I was hoping President Obama would call his opponent “Governor Wrongney.”  And then didn’t stop until Mitt told the teacher. 

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 * Also, every time Romney got all aggro and turned to the president like he was super pissed off and pressed him like there was going to be some kind of fight, I was waiting to hear someone say, “Oh, it is ON now!” Sadly, it did not happen.

* CBS has ordered a series called Bake Off, because there’s apparently a dearth of food related reality shows on television. Or maybe this one is just another CBS procedural and every week someone eats baked goods, dies, and then there’s an investigation that wraps up tidily in the 59th minute.

* If the executive producers from The Walking Dead weren’t in the office of AMC’s Charlie Collier before 9 a.m. on Monday redecorating the place to their liking, I’d be disappointed. “We own this channel now. Go get us some coffee.”

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*  Hey, do you know what “undecided voters” are? Liars. I so wish Candy Crowley had said, “I’ll direct this question to those undecided viewers in this town hall meeting: Are you shitting me with this? Hit the road, frauds.” Sadly, she didn’t do it. I marked her down on my debate scorecard.

The Hallmark Channel, formerly known as That Channel That Churns Out Stuff You Don’t Watch, finally has it’s first scripted series. Apropos of Hallmark content, when the press release was sent out, I got a cavity.

* Ashton Kutcher now tops the list of highest paid TV actors. There’s your Season 3 premise for American Horror Story.

* You know who doesn’t get her face splashed on industry websites enough? The actress who was duped into starring in the Innocence Of Muslims. Right behind her is the actress suing IMDb about her age.

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* Honey Boo Boo is now doing readings from Christopher Walken films. This is hilarious until the devil comes into your room at night and savagely sucks out your useless soul.

* Another thing I was hoping would happen but didn’t during Tuesday’s presidential debate. I wanted Obama to say, “Candy, if people can’t remember that our entire country was on the verge of collapse and we were all going to be selling apples, I could just take a dump right here on the stage and it wouldn’t move the needle on the polls.” Shockingly, that did not happen. I was frustrated.

* Headline: ‘Arnold Schwarzenegger’s ‘Total Recall’ Book Debuts To Soft Sales.’ Huh. Who would have thought that a bad actor, one of California’s worst governors, a guy alleged to be a little bit handsy on the set and someone who cheated on Maria Shriver by fathering a child with the housekeeper – named Mildred, no less – wouldn’t be trusted to actually have total recall or that anyone gave a damn if he did. Stunning.

*Mario Lopez and Khloe Kardashian are now official hosts of The X Factor. If you had, "Please dear God, not them" in the office pool, you win. But I hope they get to pepper the judges with questions like, “Britney, you don’t really seem to be too into this. Where’s the thesaurus we bought you?” Or, “Demi, who are you again? The American people would like to know.”

*Despite there being plenty of reasons to mock NBC, its only fair to ratchet that down a few notches as the broadcast network is showing signs of life. And no, there wasn’t any snark in that item. Noted.

*You know what’s a pretty good and very fun little series I wish I’d written a lot more about? Strike Back. Seriously, check it out. Rent it. Buy it, whatever. Look at Cinemax, coming out of the shadows. Well done. Guess we'll have to stop the Skinemax jokes, too.

*Tina Fey and Amy Poehler as Golden Globes hosts? Hell yes.

*Bette Midler on Glee? Why did I even write that sentence?

*Bring me the head of the person at NBC who greenlit a comedy about Rachel Zoe’s life.

*The High Fives: 1. Homeland. 2. The Walking Dead. 3. 30 Rock. 4. Letterman agreeing to go on Kimmel. 5. Raising Hope as the best comedy you’re not watching.

Email: Tim.Goodman@THR.com

Twitter: @BastardMachine