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WASHINGTON — It’s going to get nasty out here in campaign land. The mud will get slung. I don’t want anyone to say I slung it first, but I feel I must stand up, which is something I do with great reluctance, and tell the truth to the people. I don’t want to accuse Stephen Colbert of plagiarism. Let’s just say he stole my idea.
I’ve been following his “candidacy” with a growing sense of outrage. My loyal readers will recall that I threw my battered Stetson into the ring in January in this very space.
Not only did I make my announcement nearly a year ago, but I was funnier. Did I mention modesty as a reason to pick me over that thief Colbert?
You may say that Colbert didn’t actually steal my idea. You may say that I have not actually campaigned since I first made my announcement, lo those many months ago. To that, my fellow Americans, I would have to say: You are mistaken.
My campaign is one that hearkens back to our nation’s early political history. Like President Warren G. Harding, I am running my campaign from my front porch.
Not only is it a very nice porch, but the pace of the campaign suits me because it is widely known that I avoid standing up. It’s not that I’m lazy. It’s that my frame is just not suited for difficult labor. It’s not that I abhor hard work. I can watch it for hours. Isn’t that what we want in a president?
I envision my time in office mirroring the 29th president’s term, which has often been described as one of the least distinguished in history. As the less-than-great man once said: “I am not fit for this office and never should have been here.”
I want to suggest to you, my fellow Americans, that isn’t that what we want as a nation? Shouldn’t we celebrate that great underrated tradition of mediocrity?
Now, the other candidates will tell you how great they are. They will try to impress you with that whole “vision” thing. They will try to prove how hard they will work for you. They will attempt to prove their piousness. They will try to dazzle you with their brains.
Not me. I will do none of those things. You really don’t want to be challenged that way. Look at what that’s gotten you? Oil prices through the roof. A war that goes on forever. And now a fake conservative candidate.
No. A vote for me is a solid vote for the middle of the road. You know what you get when you elect me. A long-haired freak of a president. If you’re tired of those exquisitely coifed, blow-dried and dyed hair-dos of the other candidates, then you should vote for me.
All my hair is my own, and I earned every gray one of them. They remain one of the best reasons to vote for me, especially when compared with people like Colbert. (I have personal information that Colbert colors his hair.)
As a “guest columnist” in another august publication, Colbert wrote that “it’s clear that the voters are desperate for a white, male, middle-aged, Jesus-trumpeting alternative.”
Well you won’t get that with me. And to prove it, I challenge Colbert to a debate. Since I am a master debater, I will debate him anytime, anywhere. Just as long as it’s within the confines of my porch rails.
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