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This story first appeared in the May 9 issue of The Hollywood Reporter magazine.
“How many lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake it and one to sue the ladder company.”
“A lawyer in a terrible car accident moans, ‘My Porsche, my Porsche.’ The paramedic says, ‘Your Porsche?! Your right arm is cut off!’ The lawyer moans, ‘My Rolex, my Rolex.'”
“Why won’t sharks attack lawyers?
“If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolf Hitler, Attila the Hun and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?
Shoot the lawyer twice.”
“Why do scientists use lawyers in experiments instead of lab rats?
So they don’t become attached.”
—John P. Burke
“A guy asks to speak to his lawyer and the person answering the phone says, ‘I’m sorry, but your lawyer has passed away.’ The guy calls the next day and asks the same question and gets the same response. He does this for the next five days and finally the person answering the phone says, ‘Sir, why do you keep calling?’ The guy says, ‘I just love the way that sounds.’ “
“What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
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