Attack of the Herbals
Tea is ordinarily associated with nice U.K. grannies who coo and knit tea cozies — but not when a crate of it brewed by Nazis and imbued with killer zombie drugs washes up on the shore of Scotland in Camelot Entertainment Group’s Shaun of the Dead-wannabe comedy.
Sweaty Beards
This MultiVisionnaire Pictures’ film may be dubbed a “Forgotten Viking Legend,” but you will never forget the movie poster, particularly the cute lil’ rubber ducky with the viking helmet … or the less fortunate speared chicken. Could this be what pulls Brett Favre out of retirement again?
A Chance in Hell
Just because you mimc the Inglourious Basterds poster doesn’t guarantee that you’ll be picking up the golden statue come Oscar time. The blood looks real, but without the names Pitt and Tarantino you’re left with Nazis and zombies. Who do you root for in the battle between the undead and the Third Reich?
Dances With Werewolves 3D
Sure, the original was an Oscar-winning masterpiece, but wouldn’t it have been better if all the Native Americans were shape-shifting werewolves? Thanks to Crappy World Films, this dream is now a reality. Sadly, Kevin Costner couldn’t participate. He’s busy doing anything else.
Dead Before Dawn 3D
This Christopher Lloyd movie is called Dead Before Dawn 3D, but the layout makes you think it’s called “WTF Is a Zemon?” So WFT is it? A zombie that’s also a demon. It sounds a lot scarier than a "Dombie."
Hardhat
It’s not clear why the big scary guy in this Fries Films production is intent on killing people. Maybe he recently lost his construction job during the recession? If that’s the case, you have to admire him for keeping busy. Or not.
The Heineken Kidnapping
The Heineken Kidnapping is about the three-week long abduction in 1983 of Dutch brewing magnate Freddy Heineken, portrayed by Blade Runner star (and AFM super star) Rutger Hauer. We love the Godfather-esque type treatment. Will Bavaria Film make an offer AFM buyers can’t refuse?
The Jesuit
In Paul Schrader’s revenge thriller for Maya Entertainment, Willem Dafoe plays an ex-mobster nicknamed "the Jesuit" who hunts his son’s gangster kidnappers. From the look of the poster, they haven’t got a prayer.
Meeting Spencer
Hey, now! Did you ever notice how much genius character actor Jeffrey Tambor’s head resembles a cocktail olive? Graphically, it’s the role he was born to play. And the perfect image for his martini-marinated screwball Broadway comedy from Fries Film Group.
Poolboy
Casting is crucial in a comedy about a Vietvet on a rampage. Kevin “Hercules” Sorbo’s presence makes sense. And Danny Trejo (Machete, Harold & Kumar 3) is an AFM superstar (and may have a stipulation in his contract that he must always work with a machete). But why a duck?
Sex, Dogz & Rock’n’Roll
In Cinemavault Releasing’s animated/live action epic, a rock band called the Killer Bees battle a North Korea-ish dictator by striking John Travolta poses (though one wears a pink kitten suit). Stayin’ alive ain’t easy when nukes are involved.
Hard Times
Vision Films hopes to pump up interest in its indie comedy about a rundown tourist town seeking to revive its wilting fortunes by stealing $63 million worth of Viagra. If the film lasts more than 4 hours, seek medical attention.
Sand Sharks
Not since Chevy Chase played a land shark claiming to be a candygram man has there been a menace as improbable as American World Pictures’ dirt dwelling predator — hunted by aptly-named shark scientist Dr. Sandy Powers.
Boy Toy
Highland Film Group’s gigolo-for-hire comedy uses an out-of-place canine to hide a sight not fit for general audiences. The pooch is cute, and the hero wouldn’t kick the ladies out of bed (unless their checks bounced). But why isn’t co-star Morgan Fairchild in the poster?
Strippers vs. Werewolves
Oh, the ecdysiasts and the lycanthropes should be friends — only they can’t be after a stripper kills a misbehaving customer who turns out to be a werewolf in Kaleidoscope Films’ comedy. And who’s that fetching wolficidal blonde? Ali Bastian of the Brit Dancing With the Stars forerunner Strictly Come Dancing. She got perfect 10s from the judges for her American Smooth. This dance might be a bit rougher.
Father’s Day
In Troma’s new modest-budget flick, a fat man named Fuchman rapes people’s dads, a lot. So if you think this poster is exploitative, you ain’t seen nothing yet.
Vampire Dog
Robert Pattinson, watch out.
Joker Films and Trilight Entertainment have come up with the next best thing: Vampire canines. The movie, billed as a family pic, is about a 12-year-old boy who inherits a dog named Fang when his 99-year-old grandfather, a resident of Transylvania, dies. The kid soon discovers the dog has quite a bite.
Zambezia
Promotions for the 3D animated film are awfully reminiscent of Fox Animation and Blue Sky Studios’ Rio. In Zambezia, from Triggerfish Animation Studio, a young falcon named Kai travels to the bird city of Zambezia in Africa where he discovers the truth about his origins (sound familiar?).
Ninja Zombies
Don’t have time for a double feature of Zombieland and Buffy the Vampire Slayer? Try Fairway Film Alliance’s “bromaction horror comedy.” If the three characters in the forground of the poster are the ones going up against the undead ninjas, they may want to team up with some sweaty bearded Vikings.
Zombie Ass: Toilet of the Dead
What’s worse than a bunch of zombies? A bunch of poopy zombies emerging from an outhouse and a full-figured model who eats a parasitic worm to lose weight and discovers this was unwise.