Movie: Ai Weiwei: Never Sorry
Ai Weiwei, artist consultant at the Beijing Olympics and Time Magazine Person of the Year runner-up, demonstrates the diplomatic skill that has warmed the hearts of Chinese bureaucrats everywhere. This may not be destined to be a number one box office smash, even though the imagery certainly seems to suggest that kind of success.
Movie: Alfie the Little Werewolf
Seriously, doesn’t this kid look like Jay North in the 1959 TV show? But the coolest-looking figures on the poster are hidden in the corners: that tiny, psychotic-looking blue cartoon creature at lower right and the guy with what look like birthday-cake candles on his head at lower left. What is he, a crossdressing Lucia Bride?
Movie: Beneath the Darkness
Sure, Beneath the Darkness is a fine title for a flick about a Texas high-school quarterback-turned-mortician hunted by that girl from Friday Night Lights. But wouldn’t it have been better to call it DOA, Suspect, Flesh and Bone, Far from Heaven, or What to Expect When You’re Expiring?
Movie: Bigfoot
This movie is stalked by legendary, two-fisted, bipedal humanoid creatures seldom captured on camera — and Bigfoot! The hairy mythical beast knocked former child-stars-turned-boxing-show pugilists Danny “Partridge Family” Bonaduce and Barry “Brady Bunch” Williams off the poster of this action adventure from The Asylum, which is obviously looking to tap into the lucrative Harry and the Hendersons demographic.
Movie: Beyond the Moonwalk
You know he’s bad, he’s bad, come on, he’s really, really bad. But come on! He’s really, really not Michael Jackson. How do we know? He didn’t try to bleach his face. The poster for this documentary about a street dancing tribute act to the King of Pop’s music is clearly no thriller.
Movie: Patty’s Catchup
If you see only one movie this Cannes about a top-secret German sausage sauce…Patty’s Catchup from Media Luna New Films’ pits an evil silver-suited sausage magnate against Patty’s plucky trio
of wurst merchants, whose family inheritance is the world’s best sausage sauce. Can they compete with the sausage king’s combo of maniacal gloat and slacker goatee? We can only hope.
Movie: Zombies at Christmas
We understand why the shotgun. Zombies hate shotguns. But why the mop and plumber’s friend? And why isn’t the movie called God Rest Ye, Buried Gentlemen? Or Silent Night of the Living Dead? Marketers must be hoping that someone will want to put this straight-to-home video release under their worst enemy’s Christmas tree.
Moon: check. Aging dame craving a romance: check. Romantic Italian bakery near Manhattan: check. All that’s missing is Cher to make this Moonstruck makeover complete. But since the producers couldn’t afford Hollywood’s greatest facelift they’ve chosen to have the heroine face away. But what’s that guy doing with his hands in his pants?
Movie: Fireheart: The Legend of Tadas Blinda
Who wouldn’t warm to a Lithuanian take on Braveheart that apparently outsold Avatar in the Baltic nation. We don’t know who this Tadas Blinda guy is, but he deserves respect if he can put the smackdown on Jim Cameron. After all you can’t call yourself “king of the world” if you haven’t conquered the massive Lithuanian market.
Movie: Twigson in Trouble
We know it's supposed to be a heartwarming, family-friendly poster for the sequel to the sequel to a hit Scandinavian film. But could it look any creepier? And could that alder woman's nose job be any more obvious? Let's hope that the marketeers, who clearly want to branch out and ensure several more generations of wooden family fun, are not barking up the wrong tree.
Movie: May I Kill You
It’s a psychopath on the cycle path in this bike cop version of Bad Lieutenant. We’re not sure what made this two-wheeled lawman break bad, but we know BAFTA-nominated comic and Muppet Treasure Island star Kevin Bishop looks awfully friendly for a homicidal cop. He might have lost his mind but at least, if the title is any guide, he’s kept his manners.
Movie: Rape of the Soul
For a movie that purports to expose scenes of horror and weirdness hidden in paintings by Da Vinci and Botticelli, you need a poster that screams paranoia. These Day of the Dead-style skeletons in Papal headgear are certainly weird, but they look more like a couple fun loving undead popes on vacation in Death Valley.
Movie: Clownwise
Viktor Taus’ movie is about the emotional reunion of a three-man team of famous clowns 40 years after they bitterly broke up. But it looks like the poster should be for a movie called The Creepy, Bloody Private Collection of the Mad Clown Nose Amputator. This poster is so disturbing it could trigger an epidemic of coulrophobia (fear of clowns).
Movie: Jurassic Shark
You can tell that Brett Kelly’s tongue-in-cartilaginous-cheek horror movie revives the spirit of Jaws and Jurassic Park. But the ghostliness of the image of the shark, accidentally released by wicked businessmen, also graphically recalls the swimming-pool skeletons of Poltergeist. What’s baffling, however, is the missed opportunity to include a nod to The Color Purple.
Movie: She Wants Me
Shaggy haired, ambitious plump guys on the way up have a new role model in Josh Gad. But wouldn’t this poster be more honest if the title was I Want Them? One also has to wonder if Gad’s appearance is a shameless attempt to trick gullible Jack Black fans into buying a ticket.
Movie: The Bunny Game
Can a junkie prostitute named Bunny find happiness after getting kidnapped by a bizarrely sadistic trucker in scenes dreamed up by filmmakers with a taste for realistic depravity? As this cartoon poster graphically suggests, no.
Movie: Concrete Blondes
Make up your mind, poster! Are they bad-ass blondes? Or are they concrete blondes? The three protagonists make a decision, although it’s the bad decision to steal $3 million in missing drug money. This poster begs the question: How many blondes does it take pull off a daredevil heist? Evidently three, as long as hey’re concrete, bad-ass, armed to the teeth — and wearing fishnets.
Movie: No Tell Motel
Stop us if you’ve seen this poster before, but that pouty undeadlooking girl and the dame entering through the floor, instead of the door, are in a remote old motel where five friends are stranded. Sound familiar? The sheets in the motel are probably changed about as often as this scenario is.
Movie: Sibling
This poster shows what to do if you want to get stomped in high school: be a guy and carry your books in front, like a girl. How not to get stomped: be much bigger, wear a leather jacket, clench your fists at all times, defy police cars and helicopters. And if your face gets all cracked and bloody like the undead girl in No Tell Motel, do NOT moisturize in front of the mirror in your locker.
Movie: You Can’t Kill Stephen King
Maybe it was a mistake to visit his lake, like the poster suggests. But what a fine idea to steal Cujo, Carrie, Christine and every other nightmare Stephen King ever dreamed up. All in all, it looks like horror and mystery fans could have a really bloody good time with this release. Way to turn a bag of bones into a sack of cash!
Movie: 3 Cats and a Man
Want to buy a house from this man? Why not? Cats love him! Just look at the grinning feline hanging out on his back. That, or it’s attached to him like Kuato was attached to that guy in Total Recall. Who wouldn’t want to buy a house from a guy who has a cat fused to his body? It’s freakish yet adorable! We’re sold.
Movie: 3 Musketeers
Who needs Athos, Porthos and Whatshisface when you’ve got Hoodie Couple and Baggy-Crotch Girl? D’Artagnan is no longer interested in joining the Three Musketeers (they’re so 1840s). Instead, he’s down with a new crew: the Three Musketeens. They’re way cooler. They live in the big city, have guns that (apparently) shoot fire, and F-16s got their backs, yo! Suck on that, Alexandre Dumbass!
Movie: The 25th Reich
World War II what? Sure, the Nazis were, you know, awful. But guess what’s worse? Having to fight the Third Reich and intergalactic powers throughout 25 dimensions. That’s the undertaking of five brave men as they use their Allied power to fight off Hitler, Himmler and Xenon, the evil alien leader of planet Nazlandia. The invasion of Normandy was a cakewalk compared to this.
Movie: (Un) Wanted
What’s this movie about? Here’s our best guess. This kid is pissed because he’s got a lot of stuff he no longer wants: a Jesus prayer card, a blown-out photo, a spaceship with a polar bear on it, a razor blade, an Eiffel Tower keychain and a passport. He can’t just throw them away, and the Goodwill is already closed! Our second best guess: He’s possessed by a demon.