11:39am PT by Ryan Parker
'Star Wars': Carrie Fisher Writes "It Should Have Been" Mark Hamill She Fell for During Filming
Carrie Fisher fell hard for Harrison Ford in 1976 while they were filming Star Wars: A New Hope in England.
Fisher made headlines weeks ago when she revealed she and Ford hooked up — even though Ford was married — while they were working together for the first time.
But it was much more than a physical connection, at least for the then 19-year-old Fisher, as she wrote in her newly released memoir, The Princess Diarist.
The 60-year-old actress shared pages of the journal she kept during that period and discussed — but was never explicit about — the times Han and Leia had "sleepovers," as well as her longing to still be with him now.
"I'm sorry it's not Mark [Hamill] — it could have been. It should have been. It might've meant something. Maybe not much, but certainly more," Fisher wrote in one of the earliest passages after she and Ford began their affair.
Fisher penned that the actors, who brought to life two of the most iconic characters to ever hit the big screen, had multiple "sleepovers" during the months they worked on the picture. Often being hard on herself, the 19-year-old Fisher questioned countless times why she was allowing the affair to occur.
At first, she had no idea what to make of them getting together.
"Why have I become casually involved with someone who, if I am being totally honest with myself, I don't care for and who doesn't care for me? And is married?" she wrote. "I'm scared. Scared that I'll let Harrison hurt me."
There are no dates in the journal, at least none published, but it seems the entries are in order, and as time went on, Fisher fell harder for Ford and became more bitter toward herself for allowing it to happen.
"The hundred-dollar question: 'What do we mean to one another? Let's define our relationship, you bastard," she wrote. "We could come to a full stop now if you think that would help. … It's now a question of surviving each other's company instead of enjoying it."
Toward the end of their tryst, Fisher referred to herself as a "teenaged trespasser" on Ford's "already inhabited" (married) island. "He's finished filming and had to go home to his wife and kids. Aye, there's the rub. That's when Cinderella's pre-shattered post-ball shoe was scheduled to drop," she wrote.
Following the journal entires, Fisher talked about her feelings toward Ford 40 years and four Star Wars films later and gave context to some of her entires.
"My affair with Harrison was a very long one-night stand," Fisher wrote. "I was relieved when it ended. I didn't approve of myself. So, I loved him and he allowed it."
She went on to say she had no reason to think Ford ever cheated again on his other wives (he is now married to Calista Flockhart) and said he is not a "womanizer." They were all just "lonely" at that time.
She ended the chapter with a surprising revelation: She still longs to be with Ford.
"So, while there is still time for Carrison to grow old together, that gateway is steadily closing," she wrote. "And if we're going to get back together, we're going to have to do it soon. And getting back together with someone you were never truly with is, to say the least, complicated. But absolutely worth the effort. Or not. I'll probably regret writing this, but if you have the impulse to yell at me, please don't. Periodically, I feel guilty enough on my own."
Ford has yet to publicly comment on the book, but Fisher has said in interviews she sent him a copy and told him in person what would be discussed.
On Thursday, Fisher tweeted her thanks to fans for making her new book a best seller.
Thank you guys for helping make my book a best seller...pic.twitter.com/X46SgyknP9— Carrie Fisher (@carrieffisher) December 1, 2016