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Nearly a month after her third pregnancy ended with a tragic miscarriage, Chrissy Teigen is opening up about what happened that caused her to lose her and husband John Legend’s third child and how she is grateful for the kindness she’s received from strangers.
The model and cookbook author explained in a Medium blog post that, after being on bed rest for over a month but couldn’t stop bleeding, she was diagnosed with a partial placenta abruption and had to be induced to deliver her 20-week-old baby boy, Jack, who she was told wouldn’t have survived and she might not either.
“He just wouldn’t survive this, and if it went on any longer, I might not either,” Teigen wrote that her doctor told her. “We had tried bags and bags of blood transfusions, every single one going right through me like we hadn’t done anything at all. Late one night, I was told it would be time to let go in the morning. I cried a little at first, then went into full blown convulsions of snot and tears, my breath not able to catch up with my own incredibly deep sadness. Even as I write this now, I can feel the pain all over again. Oxygen was placed over my nose and mouth, and that was the first picture you saw. Utter and complete sadness.”
After she lost Jack, Teigen said she and Legend and her mom each held him and said their goodbyes as she kissed his hands and feet. She wrote that “his ashes are in a small box, waiting to be put into the soil of a tree in our new home, the one we got with his room in mind.”
As for the photos she posted on social media chronicling her traumatic experience, Teigen said she asked her mother and Legend to take them, “no matter how uncomfortable it was.”
“I explained to a very hesitant John that I needed them, and that I did NOT want to have to ever ask,” she wrote. “That he just had to do it. He hated it. I could tell. It didn’t make sense to him at the time. But I knew I needed to know of this moment forever, the same way I needed to remember us kissing at the end of the aisle, the same way I needed to remember our tears of joy after Luna and Miles. And I absolutely knew I needed to share this story.”
And she doesn’t care if others don’t like the images.
“I cannot express how little I care that you hate the photos. How little I care that it’s something you wouldn’t have done,” she writes. “I lived it, I chose to do it, and more than anything, these photos aren’t for anyone but the people who have lived this or are curious enough to wonder what something like this is like. These photos are only for the people who need them. The thoughts of others do not matter to me.”
Teigen wrote that she’d “always had placenta problems.”
“I had to deliver Miles a month early because his stomach wasn’t getting enough food from my placenta,” she wrote. “But this was my first abruption. We monitored it very closely, hoping for things to heal and stop.”
Now, she say she feels a mix of grief and gratitude.
“People say an experience like this creates a hole in your heart. A hole was certainly made, but it was filled with the love of something I loved so much. It doesn’t feel empty, this space. It feels full,” she wrote. “Maybe *too* bursting full, actually. I find myself randomly crying, thinking about how happy I am to have two insanely wonderful little toddlers who fill this house with love.”
And she apologized for making others sad by sharing their loss. “I feel bad our grief was so public because I made the joy so public,” she wrote. “I was excited to share our news with the world. Stories leading up to this had been chronicled for all. It’s hard to look at them now. I was so positive it would be okay. I feel bad that I made you all feel bad. I always will.”
But she remains grateful for the kindness of strangers that has manifested itself in notes, social media messages, flowers, books, poems.
“For weeks, our floors have been covered in flowers of kindness. Notes have flooded in and have each been read with our own teary eyes. Social media messages from strangers have consumed my days, most starting with, ‘you probably won’t read this, but…’. I can assure you, I did,” she wrote, later adding, “I beg you to please share your stories and to please be kind to those pouring their hearts out. Be kind in general, as some won’t pour them out at all.”
In conclusion, Teigen said, “I wrote this because I knew for me I needed to say something before I could move on from this and return back to life, so I truly thank you for allowing me to do so. Jack will always be loved, explained to our kids as existing in the wind and trees and the butterflies they see. Thank you so much to every single person who has had us in their thoughts or gone as far as to send us your love and stories. We are so incredibly lucky.”
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