'Silicon Valley's' T.J. Miller: This Is What Would Happen If I Let Mobile Apps Lead My Life (Hint: Beer at 8 a.m.)

11:00 AM 7/14/2016

by T.J. Miller, as told to Bryn Elise Sandberg

The actor-comedian imagines how his day might look if he made every move via the icons on his phone, from booking — and then canceling — an Uber ("It's important to waste someone's time early in the morning") to taking a last-minute cross-country trip to get the "best pizza in the goddamn United States."

T.J. Miller
T.J. Miller
Courtesy of T.J. Miller

What happens when Silicon Valley star T.J. Miller, who plays blowhard Erlich Bachman in the HBO comedy, chronicles a full day facilitated by mobile apps? Beer drinking at 8 in the morning and a last-minute trip across the country for pizza in this satirical take.

  • 8 A.M. | iBeer

    I use my Alarm Clock app to wake up, then I immediately use my Beer Drinking app, the one that when I tip the phone it looks like I'm drinking beer. I paid 25 cents for it in 2004, so I use it daily.

  • 9 A.M. | Uber

    I message my wife, Kate, to see if she is sleeping next to me. I order an Uber after I check the Weather app, then cancel the Uber before a penalty can incur. It's important to waste someone's time early in the morning.

  • 10 A.M. | Tidal

    I put on Pandora, then switch to Tidal with a sigh of relief that nobody suspects me of being Becky with the good hair.

  • 11 A.M. | Snapchat

    I use Apple Maps (Yeah? F— you, I still use it. Stop telling me to Waze everything. We'll get there when we get there!) to find out how far my first appointment is, and then I order an Uber — for real this time. I Shazam a song and put it into my Remix app, which I then send to Kate on Vine. She Snapchats me a response, and we both laugh because we don't use Snapchat BECAUSE IT'S FOR DORKS.

  • Noon | HBONow

    I use my HBONow app to critique Zach Woods' [Jared] performance in Silicon Valley and send him an email with the subject, "DO NOT READ." He never does.

  • Noon | Pinfinder

    I use my Pinfinder app to see if there are any [arcade bars] on the way to my appointment, which is a consultation on what on earth to do with Vine. That is followed by a therapy session about how I only use Periscope at airports and how irresponsible that is.

  • 3 P.M. | Yelp

    I'm hungry, so I Yelp "best pizza in the goddamn United States" and cross check that with Thrillist, then go on my American Airlines app to buy a ticket to that city and use my BofA app to see that I am not in debt because of this last-minute trip.

  • 7 P.M. | Temple Run

    I fly back after my meal and FaceTime with Kate. I then fall into a well-deserved food coma after a solid losing streak on Temple Run.

  • 9 P.M. | eBay

    Back home, I realize my phone is on the plane, so I use Kate's Find My iPhone app to watch it fly off. Once it lands somewhere in Australia, I use her eBay app to buy it back from the gentleman who emailed me, "FINDERS KEEPERS!!!" Another productive day.