'The Bachelor': Writer Who Has Never Seen an Episode Live-Blogs the Finale

THR's media and politics reporter attempts to watch and blog 'The Bachelor' season finale having never seen a second of the show.
Courtesy of ABC; JB Lacroix/ WireImage
'The Bachelor' finalists Becca Kufrin and Lauren Burnham; Inset: Arie Luyendyk Jr.

As fans of The Bachelor know, Arie Luyendyk Jr. will choose between finalists Lauren Burnham and Becca Kufrin on Monday. The two-night conclusion to Arie's season has been promised to be an epic finish and will break format in order to update viewers on Arie's current status. But THR's media and politics reporter Jeremy Barr doesn't know about any of that. Below, follow along as the ending plays out from 8 to 11 p.m. on ABC. The finale will continue Tuesday at 8 p.m., with the annual After the Final Rose live reunion special.

I'm Jeremy, and I cover media and politics here at The Hollywood Reporter. I have absolutely no idea how The Bachelor works, because I've never seen an episode or read a single article about it. But, I've volunteered to watch and write about all three hours of this season's finale for some reason.

Please follow along with me as I slowly figure out what The Bachelor is and exactly how I will spend the next three hours of my life.

5:05 p.m.: I really thought The Bachelor and Bachelor in Paradise were the same thing, so now I have to recalibrate my expectations. I thought this would be beach-centric, but the guy (Ari?) doesn't seem to be at a beach right now. Peru is great, but not really a tropical paradise. Also, the guy's hair is pretty tall and impressive. 

5:19 p.m.: I had no idea there was a studio audience involved. So far, this seems like a modern version of that MTV show (Parental Control) where your mom would interrogate your potential boyfriends and girlfriends. Parental Control mixed with America's Funniest Home Videos (the studio audience thing). Also, right off the bat it seems weird that the guy's saying "I love you" to both women. He also called one of the women "solid," which I know is what every partner dreams of being described as.

5:28 p.m.: Becca (?) seems really mean so far. What does she have against Lauren? Very aggressive. Based on 28 minutes of watching one episode of this show, Lauren seems totally, equally fine.

5:35 p.m.: Everyone is dunking on Lauren. The guy is saying she has "flashes" of having an engaging personality. Why is he talking about wanting to "rally behind" one of them? What does that mean in the context of a relationship? Also, he seems really boring. And, there's a woman (Caroline) who seems to really hate him but she's not saying specifically what he did wrong. She's hinting strongly, though.

5:49 p.m.: He's still talking about how he's seen "glimpses" of Lauren being enjoyable. But he also loves her despite not really being impressed by her? Their dialogue is also pretty tough to stomach. I'm not convinced that he likes her at all. But, he's spent like 30 percent of this episode trying to convince me (the viewer) that he really cares about her.

5:57 p.m.: We're an hour in and the show is still focused on the fact that Lauren is less shy now. Amazing dialogue from Ari: "There's always been this sort of unexplainable thing with you, you know?" She said, "I agree." Very touching moment. These people speak in romantic slogans and are essentially Hallmark cards in human form.

6:05 p.m.: I'm confused about how this works, because one of the former contestants (I assume) just said that it would be wrong for Ari to make a proposal because he's so indecisive (I agree). But isn't he contractually obligated by the laws of this show to propose? I didn't realize there was an option C.

6:15 p.m.: Becca seems thirsty but also less boring. Also, people keep referencing "tonight" but I'm not sure what's going to happen. Really starting to feel the "suspense." 

6:21 p.m.: Becca is clearly losing and also starting to get preemptively pissed off about probably losing. She keeps asking him if he has "questions" for her, which is very romantic....

6:26 p.m.: Ari has said "I'm in love with two women" at least 14 times over the first hour and a half of the show. Clearly this phrase would be part of the Bachelor drinking game. There are also a lot of good shots of the characters looking longingly out the window, which says so much, you know?

6:38 p.m.: Wait, now he is saying he has "clarity" about who he should pick but literally nothing has changed in the last few minutes.

6:47 p.m.: Ari is meeting Lauren on some sort of weird carpet and there are llamas within 20 feet of them and also a river. Now they are doing their vows or something? I'm not sure what's happening anymore.

6:49 p.m.: Wait, Lauren lost! I thought there were going to be roses involved. I thought this wasn't happening for another hour or something.

6:55 p.m.: OK, but now the host is asking, "Is that really the last time he will see her?" Did she get "punked" and she actually won? That would be incredible drama.

7:04 p.m.: He just began his vows by saying, "The first time I met you I was taken aback," which is so beautiful.

7:05 p.m.: OK, he proposed, so Becca wins. And, he gave her a rose. That's the rose thing. Sort of anti-climactic, though.

7:07 p.m.: And, now the host is saying that it "doesn't feel like the end of the story." The drama feels somewhat mailed in.

7:14 p.m.: Here we go, he misses Lauren: "I really feel like I made a mistake." He's calling off things with Becca, but she doesn't know, which is fair and very chivalrous. The studio audience is booing. Ari's losing the studio audience. I picked Lauren, so I feel great about my foresight here.

7:22 p.m.: The host is predicting that the next scene will be "the most emotional scene ever." For sure.

7:26 p.m.: Becca, who is clearly cooler and more fun than Lauren, is not taking kindly to being dumped by indecisive Ari. She's cursing a lot, which is spicing up this show. I think Becca might attack Lauren and/or Ari.

7:33 p.m.: Why does the host always seem on the verge of crying?

7:39 p.m.: Ari keeps saying he's going to leave and then keeps standing there. Becca is now crying in a room and the closed caption on my screen says "[Crying]."

7:41 p.m.: Ari is back, and Becca says, "Just leave. What are you still doing here?" Becca, I have the same question.

7:44 p.m.: Another question: Where is Lauren? Has she already left the country? Doesn't he need to go pursue her?

7:50 p.m.: Ari, a wonderful guy, is trying to comfort Becca by telling her, "I know you're embarrassed." He still has not left the house after promising 15 minutes ago to leave.

7:55 p.m.: Becca asked Ari to "just go," he said, "OK," and then he remained on the couch.

7:56 p.m.: Seventeen minutes after her original request, Ari has finally left the house.

8 p.m.: The show is over. The host said the network has given them another show tomorrow night, and Ari, Lauren and Becca will be back. The host said he doesn't know what will happen. So, I watched this show for three hours, and there was no resolution. Cool. Have a good night, everyone.

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