7:29pm PT by Trilby Beresford, Katherine Schaffstall
Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel Debut Quarantine-Themed Jokes From Their Homes
While NBC's The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon has pressed pause on its regular programming schedule amid the coronavirus outbreak, its host has vowed to continue providing entertainment through the show's main YouTube channel. On Tuesday, Fallon released a clip in which he tells a series of jokes in his living room, while his wife — film producer Nancy Juvonen — performs the duties of camerawoman.
"Hi guys, this is Jimmy Fallon, and this is the Tonight Show Home Edition, I guess you can call it. We really don’t know what this is, but I wanted to put something out there for you guys so that we can just have some levity in these bizarre times," he explains.
The late-night host continues, "What we’re doing right now is, I’m in a room in my house — my camera operator’s my wife, we have my dog..." At that point in the video, Fallon's dog and daughter run through the room, giving the video a personal, family-oriented feel.
"We’re going to say hi to everyone and I hope everyone’s safe," he says. "Today is St. Paddy’s Day, so Happy St. Paddy’s Day." He then takes a moment to speak to his daughter, asking her to draw him a picture. She politely declines. He then holds up a drawing that his other daughter drew when he asked for a shamrock — which resembles a green poop emoji.
"So, we’re going to be doing some jokes for you, maybe a song, we’ll switch it up every night," says Fallon. "Every night we’re going to do a different charity, and talk about what they’re doing for people. Tonight’s charity is Feeding America. Has 200 food banks nationwide, they do so much for everyone who needs food — especially at this time, I always think of everyone [who is] out of work, staying in, who can’t get food. There’s a child out there who relies on one meal a day, and they can’t even get that. These people work tirelessly to make sure these people get fed. Please donate whatever you can to feedingamerica.org."
Including his children once again, Fallon declares, "All the drawings tonight — and all the graphics and artwork — are from my 6-year-old." He then holds up the logo of his show, written in sprawled child handwriting.
Fallon then launches into the joke portion of the video: "Alright, I’m going to do some jokes for you guys right now. Thanks to all the writers who are sending in jokes from home, I appreciate it. I know it’s last-minute."
Here are a few of the jokes that Fallon reads from his living room:
"Welcome to The Tonight Show, I’m so excited to be doing the show from my panic room — I mean, living room."
"As you can see, I’m doing the show from my home for two reasons. First, to stop the spread of the coronavirus. Second, so I could write off my real estate taxes."
"I’m doing the show from my house in New York, and this is how crazy New York traffic is. I’m doing the show from my living room, and I was still late."
"But I hope you guys are like me, and enjoy all this extra time with your family. Isn’t it great? Today, we binge-watched a couple TV shows, then we checked out a couple movies. And finally my kids had to be like, ‘Dad, can we watch something we like?’"
"So far it’s been pretty fun at the house. We’ve been doing lots of coloring, arts and crafts, making pillow forts, while the kids have been watching TV in the basement."
"But with classes canceled around the country, lots of people are home-schooling their kids. I am home-schooling my kids and it’s working out pretty well, in fact, my kids have already learned a valuable lesson: Their dad is an idiot."
"Some big sports news today: Tom Brady announced that he's leaving the New England Patriots on St. Patrick's Day. Yikes, for Boston, that's like getting dumped on your birthday."
Later in the video, Fallon pops open a can of Guinness beer to celebrate St. Patrick's Day, along with a piece of Soda bread and Kerrygold butter: "If you bake this at home, people in the house won't really eat it, because there's caraway seeds in there, and it's really kind of baking soda-y ... it's just a lot of flour. I love it, Irish people love it ... but if you make this at home, you'll be the only one, kind of, eating it."
And capping it all off, Fallon sang a St. Patrick's Day and quarantine-themed song on his guitar.
Watch the whole clip below.
With ABC's Jimmy Kimmel Live! also experiencing a disruption in its schedule, its host posted a "Quarantine Minilogue" on Tuesday: "Hi, it’s Jimmy. I hope you and your friends and your family are as well as can be expected in our new post-apocalyptic world. We are not on live this week, for obvious reasons, but since I have nothing to do, and the fact that you’re watching this makes me assume you have nothing to do, I’m going to shoot a mini-monologue every day until we get back from my house where I am currently incarcerated — I mean, camping out, with my family."
He continues with a joke, "You know, you learn a lot about yourself when you’re isolated at home. For instance, I learned that I have two young children — which was really something to find out. Thank God for television. My blood type right now is Disney-positive, or Disney+, whatever they call it. We’ve watched Frozen 2 more times than the animators who drew it have watched Frozen 2. I’m actually hiding in my office right now, from my children. We’ve run out of snacks, we’ve run out of crafts to do. We made macaroni necklaces yesterday — today I ate them for lunch. That’s how bad it’s getting.”
Later on, Kimmel makes another joke about his personal revelations during this time of isolation: “Here’s something I learned. This is a very good tip. Did you know that you can make coffee at home, for yourself? It’s crazy. I even spelled my name right, on the cup.”
He then takes a moment to look at the situation through the lens of politics. “So, anyway, yesterday our president, Donald Trump, gave himself a 10 out of 10 for the way he’s handled this situation. Gave himself a 10, which, incidentally, is the same amount of testing kits that are currently available in the United States right now. And then Trump told people, us, to stop hoarding unnecessary amounts of food. That’s right — this man, this individual, would like you to take it easy with the food. So, please, by order of the president, take it easy with the food."
Throwing in the theme of St. Patrick's Day, Kimmel says, "This is an especially tough day to stay home, obviously because it’s St. Patrick’s Day. I do want to say happy St. Patrick’s Day, not just to our Irish friends and the Irish-Americans watching, but all alcoholics, everywhere. Happy return of the potato famine, too."
Like Fallon, Kimmel also addresses the exit of Tom Brady: "So, Tom Brady, for whatever reason, chose today, St. Patrick’s Day, to announce he’s leaving the Patriots. And for people from Boston, this is like if Santa died on Christmas. This is terrible. Tom tweeted a message to his fans saying he is forever a Patriot, no matter what. And he is, except for next season, and for every other season he plays after that.
"So, it is a tough St. Paddy’s Day, in New England for sure. Just because the world is almost completely shut down doesn’t mean you can’t have some fun. You can always find ways to have fun. So I came up with a few ideas for how you could celebrate St. Paddy’s from the sanitized safety of your home."
Launching into the different ways of having fun in the unusual circumstances, he suggests, "First, you can put on a festively colored shirt, like I did today — my Guinness shirt, I wear it once I year. Next, get some food coloring, and you can dye a bottle of hand sanitizer green. You’ll never get it off your hands, but it’s festive nonetheless. You could dress your kids like leprechauns and try to catch them. And, of course, you could get drunk."
View the whole segment below.
The Late Show's Stephen Colbert, who may have kicked off the trend with his Monday night bathtub update, filmed another home monologue on Tuesday.
After a mock ad offered a number of bidet options that people can use instead of toilet paper, Colbert addressed the camera while sitting outside near a bonfire.
Dubbing the segment "The Flame Show with Stephen Coburn," the host said that he moved from the bathtub to a fire. "We'll eventually go through all of the elements," he said.
The host discussed the primaries that took place on Tuesday, joking that he originally planned to tape a special episode called "The Late Show's Hand Holding Face-Touching Super Smooch Day Primary: We Will Live Forever!"
He then noted that The Met Gala has been postponed. Colbert assured his viewers that the stars that planned to attend will still celebrate the gala at home. "To keep up with the theme this year, Lady Gaga is home dressed as a 32-pack of Charmin. Enjoy the Gaga," he said.
Colbert moved on to discuss Donald Trump's recent tweet that the governors and state officials are working well together to end the virus. "It's not the most comforting when pleasant words like 'Good things will happen' are followed by 'Kill it,'" he noted of the tweet. "Have a beautiful wedding! But first, let's throw rocks at the old boyfriend."
The host also touched on the "harsh words" Trump had for New York Governor Andrew Cuomo after he said that all the states should be "treated the same," though the president argued that each state has been hit differently. "Yeah, New York. Why can't you be more like your brother West Virginia? He doesn't have any coronavirus. And I hear your sister Rhode Island is dating a doctor," joked Colbert. "You're such a disappointment."
While Trump originally brushed off the severity of the coronavirus and said that it would "miraculously go away," the president claimed during a recent press conference that he "felt it was a pandemic long before it was called a pandemic." Colbert responded, "You don't get to do that. Everything you've ever said is on camera or on Twitter. You can't gaslight us. That would be like me saying, 'I didn't do a show from my bathtub yesterday.' We all know I did."
The CBS show's bandleader Jon Batiste later joined Colbert through a live stream to accompany the host as he sang a coronavirus version of "Danny Boy."
"Oh, Danny Boy, your hands, your hands need washing/ From thumb to thumb, and all your fingers, too/ Quarantine is near, so do your TP shopping/ I've nearly watched everything they got on Hulu," sang Colbert.
Batiste sang about the importance of social distancing before Colbert added, "I know you're young and fun is just want you want/ I understand that you do not feel sick/ But stop going out to all the bars and restaurants/ Oh Danny boy, oh Danny boy, don't be a dick."