9:25pm PT by Trilby Beresford
Jimmy Kimmel Suggests Guidelines for Quarantining: "Mandatory Pants, Formal Fridays"
In the latest episode of Quarantine Minilogue, Jimmy Kimmel spoke about the latest updates amid the coronavirus pandemic and suggested a framework for people to follow to maintain structure and normality during self-quarantining.
"Hi again, it’s Jimmy, checking in again from home," said the late-night host at the top of the show. "My daughter made the opening for me in case you were wondering if our graphics team is OK. They are. I hope you are OK too. This is my daily minilogue from beautiful downtown quarantine."
He continued on, mixing jokes with social commentary about this highly unusual situation. "Remember when we used to think we’d never get to all the shows on Netflix? Well now we have. And of course, while we are stuck inside, there’s a lot going on outside. The United States and Canada temporarily closed the border to all non-essential travel after the CDC released a warning saying that the coronavirus can survive on the surface of a moose for up to nine days. Trump said the move was being done by mutual consent — so finally he’s getting consent — and Canada was like, honestly, we’ve been wanting to close the border with you for quite a few years now, so this works out. So we are social distancing ourselves from Canada for a while, and they from us."
Kimmel then added, "Trump, meanwhile, has a nickname for the coronavirus. He now calls it the Chinese virus every chance he gets. You know they say a great way to prevent a virus from spreading is to name it something racist — that way they keep it on the down-low. I don’t know why he does this. Actually, I do know why he does this, it’s to deflect blame away from him. It’s like when he started calling Eric and Don Jr. the Ivana kids."
"We are, right now, we are basically living through a disaster movie in which the president is being played by Gary Busey. Meanwhile, Steve Sisolak, the governor of Nevada, took decisive action: he ordered all hotels and casino in Vegas and other gaming cities in the state to close down for a month, so if you feel the need to gamble on something, lick a doorknob. Do not go to Las Vegas. The governor made a powerful speech, and the president was jealous — I don’t blame him, closing down casinos, that’s Donald Trump’s thing."
"The state of Nevada has started a hashtag to encourage people not to go out: #stayhomefornevada. But don’t just stay home from Nevada, stay home for yourselves and for everyone. That message is especially directed at older people, many of whom I’ve found are not taking this seriously. I don’t know about you, but some of the people in my own family — and you know who you are if you’re watching — think it’s OK to go to Pilates now because they wipe down the machines. Or to go to the DMV this week, which is a disgusting place to go when there’s no virus to worry about. And then you yell at them, you gang up on them, but they don’t listen, which is going to force us to do something drastic, something we don’t want to do, like taking Bluebloods away. You want that to happen? Don’t let us take Donnie Wahlberg from you, because we will. Stay at home."
In an effort to give people some sense of structure and normality as they navigate this new reality, Kimmel began, "I guess, because we’ve never really had anything like this before, no one knows how to handle it, how to stay normal, how to schedule yourself. So I thought I’d lay out a sort of suggested framework for your day."
The first item on the list was "Mandatory pants," which Kimmel suggested wearing for at least two hours of every day.
Then came "formal Friday," a suggestion from his wife — "where you get dressed up for dinner even if you’re alone," Kimmel explained.
"No daily schedule pictures" was the next guideline, followed by "binge responsibly." Kimmel recommended watching "up to three movies and five TV shows per day, that’s it, then you have to read or write. Perhaps it’s a good time to find a pen pal in prison."
Rounding out the list, Kimmel suggested visiting the inside of your car. "If you do need time away from your family, the inside of your car, I’ve found, is a great place to scream."
The last item was "check in on loved ones. Daily. Virtually."
He then checked in on his sidekick Guillermo Rodriguez, who was eating a container of mixed nuts from Costco and generally doing well.