6:00am PT by Bryn Elise Sandberg
Jimmy Kimmel's 10 Best Jokes From ABC's Virtual Upfront
ABC's upfronts may have gone virtual this year, but that didn't stop Jimmy Kimmel from delivering his annual roast.
The late night host took the stage alone to crack jokes about each of the broadcast networks, recently departed Disney executive Kevin Mayer and Jeffrey Katzenberg's Quibi.
"Where the fuck is everybody? Oh shit, I forgot to delete this from my iCal. Goddammit," said Kimmel as he looked around the empty room. "Well, I wrote jokes so here I am standing here like a fucking fool with nobody watching. I feel like every show on Quibi right now."
Without a live audience, his jabs were intercut with old Oscar footage of major stars like Leonardo DiCaprio and Lady Gaga applauding from their seats. He wrapped up the set by pleading with advertisers to give the network money. “Disneyland hasn’t sold a churro in months and to make up for it, we are going to ream your asses this year,” he said, imploring ad buyers to visit Disney’s Go Fund me site: "http://gofundme.com/GiveUsYourFuckingMoney."
Here are Kimmel's best jokes from the ABC upfront presentation:
1. "It’s a shame we can’t be together to do this in person. But we can’t. There is a vulnerable population of elderly CBS viewers we have to protect."
2. “I know that in previous years many of you thought that there’s no way that the ABC upfront could possibly have been worse, and to that I say, ‘Welcome to the Disney virtual roadshow.’ We call it a roadshow because, just like the Roadshow on PBS, we are also selling antiques. How is it a roadshow if we’re not going anywhere? Let’s call this what it really is: a cry for help.”
3. “We are a mess. We don’t know who our boss is. Kevin Mayer quit us to go work for Chinese identity thieves. Even our executives are leaving us for a younger audience. Yes, Kevin went to TikTok, the app — not the Lyme Disease podcast — because he didn’t get to be the Bob.”
4. “Everybody wants to be the Bob. Bob Iger, as you know, stepped down as CEO in February and Bob Chapek took over. Good timing, right? Well done. He’s a genius. It’s confusing but bottom line is this company is run by a guy named Bob and we lost all our money.”
5. “What a time to be on planet earth. Who would have guessed one of the only things alive and well in the year 2020 would be network television? What an exciting time to be an ad buyer. At any moment the president of the United States could claim that drinking your product cures the coronavirus.”
6. “ABC in many ways was prepared for this pandemic. Our shows have been social distancing themselves from young people for years.”
7. “The exciting news is that for the first time since 2005, for one night only, Monday Night Football makes its triumphant return to ABC. That’s right, this fall the Raiders will face the Saints in front of a sold out crowd of inflatable sex dolls. Isn’t that perfect? We finally get a Monday night game again and for the first time ever, “Are you ready for some football?” isn’t a hypothetical question. We really don’t know.”
8. “Of course, the biggest loser is NBC. Remember last year how much those dicks kept bragging about the Olympics? This is what you get for being a show-off. The truth is I don’t know what they’re whining about over there. They can just run the Olympics from 2016 again. Who the fuck would know? ‘Hey, that’s not this year’s U.S. badminton team!’ The Olympics have been postponed to 2021 and 2021 has been postponed to 2022.
9. “We have something better than the Olympics. We have Disney+. Disney+ is thriving. That’s right, our most successful platform is the one that you’re not allowed to be on. So now, NBC after we tested Disney positive, NBC decided to launch their own streaming service called Peacock. Peacock is if you’ve ever said, ‘Gee, I can’t find that DVD boxset of Fraiser my sister bought me for Christmas in 2005, I wish there was a way I could pay for it every month forever.’ That’s Peacock.”
10. “NBC has even said they won’t allow Netflix to advertise on Peacock. Well, if not on Peacock, how are people going to find out about Netflix? That’s not fair. Why does Netflix even need commercials? It’s like cocaine. The people who want it will find it.”