7:12am PT by Ashley Lee
John Oliver Begs Sponsors to Cut FIFA Support and Demand Sepp Blatter's Removal (Video)
Sunday's Last Week Tonight With John Oliver featured the latest FIFA corruption news, as the world soccer governing body found itself facing the greatest crisis in its history last week, with criminal investigations in the U.S. and Switzerland alleging corruption, money-laundering and racketeering.
"I don't know what I'm more surprised by: that FIFA officials were actually arrested, or that America was behind it. It took the country that cares the least about football to bring down the people who have been ruining it. That’s like finding out that Kesha arrested a group of bankers involved in commodities fraud," kicked off John Oliver.
Despite the controversy, long-standing FIFA president Sepp Blatter was left untouched, just as he was re-elected to a fifth term.
"He presided over the worst fiasco in their history! It’s like a Sony executive green-lighting a sequel in the middle of watching Aloha. 'This is absolutely terrible, and I need to make sure there’s more of it. We’ll call it Aloha 2: This Time We Mean the Other Meaning.'" Oliver said of Blatter: "The problem is all the arrests in the world are going to change nothing if Blatter’s still there, because to truly kill a snake you must cut off its head — or in this case, its asshole.
"But if America keeps driving this investigation and actually finds something to indict him, I don’t think you would understand how much that would mean to every person on earth. The whole world’s opinion of America would change overnight," he continued. "If the Dutch somehow found a reason to extradite and lock up Donald Trump, you would think, ‘Holy shit! The Dutch are awesome!'"
Who else has the power to get Blatter out? Sponsors, to whom Oliver pleaded that if so, "Adidas, I will wear one of your ugly shoes, one of these shoes that make me look like the Greek god of aspiring DJs. McDonalds, I will take a bite out of every item on your Dollar Menu — which tastes like normal food that was cursed by a vindictive wizard.
"And I will even make the ultimate sacrifice: Budweiser, if you pull your support and help get rid of Blatter, I will put my mouth where my mouth is, and I will personally drink one of your disgusting items," Oliver continued. "I will even drink a Bud Light Lime, despite the fact that all the lime in the world cannot disguise the fact that this tastes like a puddle beneath a Long John Silver’s dumpster. But I will do it. I will drink one maintaining eye contact with the camera and say it’s delicious, because if you get rid of the Swiss demon who has ruined the sport I love, this stuff will taste like f—ing champagne!"
Watch the video below.