9:37am PT by Katherine Schaffstall
Seth Meyers Burns R. Kelly, Cable News, Music Biopics and More
Seth Meyers targeted R. Kelly, Beto O'Rourke and music biopics on Wednesday's edition of "Ya Burnt" on Late Night.
The first topic the host addressed in an occasionally midterm elections-themed edition of the segment was exit polls. "Hey, exit polls. You want to know who I voted for? Your mother," he said. "If I wanted an inaccurate guess at who was gonna win the election, I'd just ask The Huffington Post."
"Also, exit pollsters, stop hanging around elementary schools, you creeps," he continued. "You're like R. Kelly without the microphone."
The host then took on scented candles. "Hey kids, you love the smell of pie but hate the hassle of eating and enjoying it?" he asked. "Try scented candles. Nothing's more disappointing than walking into a kitchen that smells like cookies and finding out it's just a ball of wax."
The next item on the list was luggage carousels. "You're not a carousel. Carousels are fun. What you are is a luggage gutter. If I wanted to see something move this slowly, I'd just follow Robert Mueller's Russia investigation," he said. "Also, can we talk about the weird cardboard box covered in Saran wrap? It's been circling the baggage claim for 30 minutes, and I think I heard a muffled scream come from inside of it."
Meyers then referred to V-neck sweaters as a garment for "the man who thinks, 'This outfit could use a little more visible white undershirt.'"
"Hey marathons, if I wanted to waste my day watching someone travel 26 miles by foot, I'd binge-watch The Lord of the Rings," he said about his next "Ya Burnt" subject. He then compared the New York Marathon to "any other weekend in New York City, except the people going to the bathroom on the street are in much better shape."
He then took a moment to criticize lemon-lime soda. "Face it. Lemons and limes are basically the same thing. We don't need both of you. You're the Property Brothers of soda," he said. He also compared soda without caffeine to "heroin without the high of 10,000 orgasms."
Layering was the next topic on Meyers' list to burn. "Oh, great. High of 72, low of 55. I'll just wear four shirts in case I step into a shadow and it suddenly feels colder than Thanksgiving dinner in a swing state," he said. "Maybe I wouldn't have to wear all these scarves if I hadn't left my jugular exposed with this fucking V-neck."
Meyers then addressed Democratic Texas Senate candidate Beto O'Rourke, who recently lost his election to Republican incumbent Ted Cruz. "You may have lost the election, but at least you got to drop the F-bomb on national TV," Meyers said before sharing a clip of the politician saying the word on MSNBC during his concession speech. The clip earned a round of applause from the Late Night audience. "Damn. With that kind of potty mouth, it's only a matter of time before you become president.
"Seriously, I haven't heard that much swearing on MSNBC since the time Chris Matthews sat on a thumbtack," said the host. "And that's why, Beto, you're this week's unburnable. Ascend to safety, my friend. I am so bleeping proud of you."
Meyers returned to his list of burns with the next item, which was button-fly jeans. "Just what I wanted: a padlock for my pants. Nothing I love more than getting to the bathroom and having to spend five seconds of panic not knowing if I'm gonna get you open in time," he said.
The next topic on the list was music biopics. "If I really wanted to watch someone pretend to be a musician for two hours, I'd go to a Pitbull concert," he said as a photo of Rami Malek in character as Freddie Mercury in Bohemian Rhapsody appeared on the screen.
"The Queen biopic is in theaters, but I don't want to see an actor playing Freddie Mercury. I want to see Freddie Mercury as he's supposed to be seen: as a hologram at an Adam Lambert concert," he said in reference to Lambert's current gig as the lead singer of the band.
Meyers concluded the segment with a speed round dedicated to the midterm elections. After telling CNN's John King to get his hands off the map before he "becomes the first guy to get MeToo'd by a touch screen," he targeted the network. "Hey CNN, I haven't seen that many people in a studio since Arcade Fire's last recording session," he said as a photo from the network's coverage of the event appeared onscreen.
"Nevada, you elected a dead pimp to state assembly," he said about Dennis Hof, who won the election even though he had died. "Who was his opponent? A fucking plug with a cocaine addiction?"
Meyers then criticized Mitt Romney holding political office in Massachusetts and Utah, despite the fact that he's from Michigan. "You change teams more often than LeBron James," he said.
"Florida, now I know why you're shaped like a penis," he said during the final topic. "Because every year you fuck us."
Watch the full segment below.