Stephen Colbert Takes On Mark Zuckerberg, Proposes a Revamped Facebook

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert_Amishbook - Screengrab - H 2018
Screengrab/The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

In the wake of Facebook coming under fire after it was revealed Cambridge Analytica was able to obtain private data from over 50 million Facebook users, The Late Show’s Stephen Colbert is ready to rectify the situation.

“We’ve learned over the last few days that you’re not the customer. Your life is their product, and Facebook is the pimp,” the late-night host joked during the show's Friday-night broadcast, before saying that users have deleted their Facebook accounts only after “checking to see if their ex’s new boyfriend has a six-pack.” “He does, and she seems happier with him,” continued Colbert.

Colbert also noted that, in response to the controversy, businesses have ended their associations with the social media network, in particular Playboy magazine. “That’s going to sting. Now where are those people going to find porn on the internet?” Colbert asked.

Though the social media site has received backlash from its users, Colbert revealed that he was happy not to be among them. “I, myself, have not deleted my Facebook page because I have never had one. You know nothing about me, Sucker-berg,” Colbert said, mocking the site’s creator, Mark Zuckerberg.

To further investigate Facebook’s current woes, Colbert said that his show’s staff members have downloaded their Facebook history and discovered that the site “keeps a record of some pretty crazy stuff,” including calls made from users’ cellphones, a user’s family tree of relatives and “algorithms” for photographs of users’ faces.

Determined to find a way to be “off the grid” and “defend your privacy,” Colbert jokingly announced he is launching a new service dubbed “Amishbook,” which is “everything about Facebook, except the electricity.”