Golden Globes: Read Jimmy Fallon’s Opening Monologue

Jimmy Fallon kicked off the 74th annual Golden Globes on Sunday night dealing with a TelePrompTer snafu and followed that up with a Donald Trump zinger.

Read a full transcription of Fallon’s opening monologue here:

Thank you! Thank you very much! Welcome! Thank you … thank you so much everybody! Welcome to the Golden Globes! Already the TelePrompTer is down, so this is a great way to start the show. I could do, uh, impressions. What do we do here? I could think of something. Cut to Justin Timberlake, please. Just wink at me or something. We have another monitor coming in. You know what, I’ll make up this monologue.

We’re here! This is what happens at the Golden Globes already. Already, you have your Golden Globes moment, already. It’s already like a GIF. I’m happy I didn’t trip. It’s just like doing a live GIF. This is the Golden Globes, one of the few places left where America still honors the popular vote.

But really, this is great, you guys. You guys are the best of the best. This is the best of the best. The best of TV. The best of movies. I mean, just look at who we have in the room. I mean, we have Ryan Gosling, right there! Amazing job … such an amazing job in La La Land, playing a jazz pianist in Hollywood. By the way don’t Google “Ryan Gosling penis.” It’s a, uh, trust me, it’s an HR nightmare.

I can’t believe I’m hosting the Golden Globes. I got advice from everybody. Chris Rock said, “A lot of great shows this year! People v. O.J. going to win! People gonna get up there and say, ‘I couldn’t done it without Ryan Murphy. I couldn’t done it without my agent, my manager … I’ll tell you the one person you couldn’t have done it without … O.J.! No one’s gonna thank O.J. They’ll be thanking the lighting guy! They’re gonna thank the key grip. No one’s gonna thank O.J.!”

Game of Thrones is nominated tonight, how great is that? The show has so many plot twists and choppy moments, a lot of people have wondered what it would’ve been like if King Joffrey had lived. Well, in 12 days, we’re gonna find out.

Manchester by the Sea is nominated for five awards. You might remember Manchester by the Sea for being the only thing from 2016 that was more depressing than 2016.

We have two-time Golden Globe winner and seven-time nominee Matt Damon here tonight. Good to see you! How you doing, pal? Looking good, buddy. Of course, we all know Matt Damon from his greatest acting role, telling Ben Affleck that he liked Batman vs. Superman. I liked it.

The film Florence Foster Jenkins is nominated. The character has been dubbed the world’s worst opera singer and even she turned down performing at Donald Trump’s inauguration. It’s tough to book.

Amazon did pretty well tonight. Eleven nominations. Jeff Bezos is here tonight. He actually arrived yesterday, but there was no one around to to sign for him. It’s an Amazon joke. Thank you, Matt. I appreciate it.

Of course, there’s always the ballots for tonight’s Golden Globes, which were carefully tabulated by the accounting firm of Ernst and Young … and Putin.

Before we get down to the business of dividing the room between the winners and the extremely fortunate, I just want to take a moment and say that I and everyone watching at home appreciate what you do. I know how much work goes into every movie, every TV show, all the music, so let’s make tonight a celebration. It’s the biggest party of the year!

We got Questlove DJ’ing (cue first presenters Ryan Reynolds and Emma Stone).