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Chris Rock: Wow, Janelle Monáe. Incredible! That was incredible! That was incredible. While we were backstage watching it, Steve says to me “J.Lo’s killing it two weeks in a row!”
Steve Martin: You know I was thinking today Chris, we both have hosted the Oscars before, and this is such an incredible demotion! They don’t really have hosts anymore, why is that?
Rock: Twitter! Everybody’s got an embarrassing tweet somewhere. I know I do.
Martin: Now, a couple of years ago there was a big disaster here at the Oscars where they accidentally read out the wrong name — and it was nobody’s fault — but it’s guaranteed that won’t happen this year because the Academy has switched to the new Iowa Caucus App. But what a night!
Rock: I don’t know, Steve. I’m a little conflicted, you know? I was driving here tonight, seeing the terrible homeless problem in L.A.—
Martin: Thank you, Chris! So many stars! Oh my God, there’s Brad Pitt, it’s like looking in a mirror.
Rock: And Mahershala Ali is here tonight. Mahershala has two Oscars. You know what that means when the cops pull him over? Nothing! Jeff Bezos is here!
Martin: Oh wow, great actor.
Rock: He’s got so much cash, when he writes a check, the bank bounces. Jeff Bezos is so rich he got divorced and he’s still the richest man in the world. He saw Marriage Story and thought it was a comedy. Steve, do you have anything you’d like to add about Mr. Bezos?
Martin: No, I like getting my packages on time. And Marty Scorsese’s here, somewhere! Genius, wow.
Rock: Marty, I loved the first season of The Irishman.
Martin: Oh, The Irishman! That’s that new Ray Romano movie. Such a great supporting cast.
Rock: Steve, did you see the Joker?
Martin: I can’t wait to see it, it sounds so funny! I’m laughing already. Joker!
Rock: There’s so many great directors nominated this year.
Martin: I don’t know, Chris, I thought there was something missing from the list this year.
Rock: Vaginas? Yeah.
Rock: Ford v Ferrari is nominated. I gotta tell you, I got a Ford, I got a Ferrari: it ain’t even close! That’s like Halle Berry vs. gum disease!
Martin: Cynthia Erivo is here tonight!
Rock: Yes, Cynthia Erivo is here tonight. Cynthia did such a great job in Harriet hiding black people that the Academy got her to hide all the black nominees! Cynthia, is Eddie Murphy under this stage?
Martin: Eddie, I loved you in Dolemite! Well, Chris, think how much the Oscars have changed in the past 92 years.
Rock: Yeah, they’ve changed lots, Steve.
Martin: Back in 1929 there were no black acting nominees.
Rock: And now in 2020 we got one!
Martin: Amazing growth! Well, we’ve had a great time not hosting tonight.
Rock: Yes, we had an amazing time. Now, here to present the first award of the night, please welcome one-time Academy Award winner and 15-time Soul Train Award winner Regina King!
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