Oscars: Read Chris Rock and Steve Martin’s Opening Transcript

Chris Rock and Steve Martin shared the opening words of the 92nd annual Oscars — though not as hosts, they were clear to note. Read the transcript below.

Chris Rock: Wow, Janelle Monáe. Incredible! That was incredible! That was incredible. While we were backstage watching it, Steve says to me “J.Lo’s killing it two weeks in a row!”

Steve Martin: You know I was thinking today Chris, we both have hosted the Oscars before, and this is such an incredible demotion! They don’t really have hosts anymore, why is that?

Rock: Twitter! Everybody’s got an embarrassing tweet somewhere. I know I do.

Martin: Now, a couple of years ago there was a big disaster here at the Oscars where they accidentally read out the wrong name — and it was nobody’s fault — but it’s guaranteed that won’t happen this year because the Academy has switched to the new Iowa Caucus App. But what a night!

Rock: I don’t know, Steve. I’m a little conflicted, you know? I was driving here tonight, seeing the terrible homeless problem in L.A.—

Martin: Thank you, Chris! So many stars! Oh my God, there’s Brad Pitt, it’s like looking in a mirror.

Rock: And Mahershala Ali is here tonight. Mahershala has two Oscars. You know what that means when the cops pull him over? Nothing! Jeff Bezos is here!

Martin: Oh wow, great actor.

Rock: He’s got so much cash, when he writes a check, the bank bounces. Jeff Bezos is so rich he got divorced and he’s still the richest man in the world. He saw Marriage Story and thought it was a comedy. Steve, do you have anything you’d like to add about Mr. Bezos?

Martin: No, I like getting my packages on time. And Marty Scorsese’s here, somewhere! Genius, wow.

Rock: Marty, I loved the first season of The Irishman.

Martin: Oh, The Irishman! That’s that new Ray Romano movie. Such a great supporting cast.

Rock: Steve, did you see the Joker?

Martin: I can’t wait to see it, it sounds so funny! I’m laughing already. Joker!

Rock: There’s so many great directors nominated this year.

Martin: I don’t know, Chris, I thought there was something missing from the list this year.

Rock: Vaginas? Yeah.

Martin: Yeah. 

Rock: Ford v Ferrari is nominated. I gotta tell you, I got a Ford, I got a Ferrari: it ain’t even close! That’s like Halle Berry vs. gum disease!

Martin: Cynthia Erivo is here tonight!

Rock: Yes, Cynthia Erivo is here tonight. Cynthia did such a great job in Harriet hiding black people that the Academy got her to hide all the black nominees! Cynthia, is Eddie Murphy under this stage?

Martin: Eddie, I loved you in Dolemite! Well, Chris, think how much the Oscars have changed in the past 92 years.

Rock: Yeah, they’ve changed lots, Steve.

Martin: Back in 1929 there were no black acting nominees.

Rock: And now in 2020 we got one!

Martin: Amazing growth! Well, we’ve had a great time not hosting tonight.

Rock: Yes, we had an amazing time. Now, here to present the first award of the night, please welcome one-time Academy Award winner and 15-time Soul Train Award winner Regina King!