Amy Schumer Invents Genius "Listen Alert" Hotline in New Sketch

"Just stay calm and tell me your story."

For anybody who feels like they are not being listened to properly, Amy Schumer has the absolutely perfect solution: Listen Alert. 

In a sketch that aired on Tuesday's Inside Amy Schumer, viewers are introduced to a new hotline that listens to all of your stories and responds appropriately.

"Here at Listen Alert our trained operators are standing by waiting to respond to your calls to hear how things turned out," says Schumer. "We're prepared with such phrases like, 'Are you kidding me?' or 'Uh-huh' or 'She's the worst, sounds like you handled that perfectly.'"

Listen Alert can be used when your significant other is ignoring you, when your friends won't pay attention to what you're saying or when you are being particularly boring on a date. And most importantly, it is an equal opportunity hotline. "Listen Alert is not just for women," says Schumer.

The only caveat? Listen Alert technicians will not listen to your dreams. There is not a big enough salary in the world to cover that cost.