Golden Globes: Read Andy Samberg and Sandra Oh's Opening Monologue

Andy Samberg-Sandra Oh-Golden Globes-Getty-H 2019
Paul Drinkwater/NBCUniversal via Getty Images

The co-hosts dodged political topics during the monologue.

Andy Samberg and Sandra Oh sought to inspire change during their monologue for the 76th annual Golden Globes on Sunday.

Prior to the big event, the co-hosts spoke to The Hollywood Reporter about their plans for the monologue. They revealed that they wanted to steer clear of politics and instead focus on the positive aspects in the entertainment industry that took place over the past year.

"I'm not interested in [talking about Trump] at all. What I'm interested in is pointing to actual real change. I want to?focus on that 'cause people can pooh-pooh Hollywood all they want — and there is a lot to pooh-pooh, sure — but we also make culture," previewed Oh. "How many gazillions of people have seen Black Panther and Crazy Rich Asians? That changes things. Just speaking for my own community, people cried a lot in [Crazy Rich Asians], and it's not only because it's a great story and a classic romantic comedy — it is because seeing yourself reflected onscreen?is really emotional when you don't even know that you're carrying so much grief of never being seen."

During the monologue, Oh and Samberg joked about the nominees and touched on the diversity in the industry over the year.

Read the full transcript of their monologue below:

Sandra Oh: Welcome to the 2019 Golden Globe Awards

Andy Samberg: Yeah, yeah. We are gonna have some fun, give out some awards. And one lucky audience member...

Both: Will host the Oscars!

Andy: Now some of you may be wondering why the two of us are hosting together.

Sandra: And the reason is that we're the only two people left in Hollywood who haven't gotten in trouble for saying something offensive.

Andy: Oh Sandra, that reminds me. You know what race of people really gets under my skin?

Sandra: Uh, Andy—

Andy: The Hollywood Half Marathon. Cause it messes up all the traffic, you know?

Sandra: Yeah, I hate that race of people.

Andy: It's the worst race of people. Now we know what you guys are thinking: "Andy Samberg and Sandra Oh, the two nicest people in show business. Thing's gonna be a snooze."

Sandra: But not so fast, because you fools are all about to get roasted.

Andy: Gervais-style. Hope you're wearing your flip-flops, Hollywood, because we're about to scorch some earth.

Sandra: Damn right. Rip it, Andy.

Andy: All right. Who do we got? Who do we got? Well, if it isn't Spike Lee. Yeah, Mr. Do The Right Thing. Yeah. Well I'll tell you who does the right thing: you, as a director. Lifetime fan, can't wait to see what you do next. Bam, fixed.

Sandra: Brutal.

Andy: Destroyed. All right, Sandra, hit them.

Sandra: Hey, Bradley Cooper. You're hot.

Andy: Damn. This is live on television. No take backs. All right, who else we got?

Sandra: Umm, Andy. That's weird. Gina Rodriguez is here.

Andy: Yeah, why's that weird, Sandra?

Sandra: Cause last time I checked, she resided in heaven.

Andy: What? Sandra Oh, more like Sandra Oh-Snap.

Sandra: Andy Samberg. More like Andy Slams Nerves.

Andy: Oh I love that. What else? Who else?

Sandra: Oh, I got one. Michael B. Jordan.

Andy: Yeah, oh yeah. More like Micheal B. Buff AF. You a snack, Michael.

Sandra: Your character's name in Creed is Adonis and it is apt.

Andy: Oh my God, yes., Cut to him crying off that. I want to get the meme.

Sandra: And we can't forget Amy Adams. Nominated for multiple Globes tonight. Hey Amy, save some for the rest of us, you mega-talented piece of dog crap.

Andy: Take your lumps.

Sandra: Take your lumps, Amy.

Andy: Yup and of course there's Jeff Bridges, right. Mr. Cecil B. DeMille Award himself. Hey Jeff, I wish you were my dad.

Sandra: And Bridges is canceled.

Andy: You're canceled Dad. Buh-bye. David Spade knows what I'm talking about.

Sandra: Well that was fun.

Andy: It was fun.

Sandra: Should we head home?

Andy: No, no. There's a lot more. Black Panther is nominated tonight for best picture, drama.

Sandra: It is the third highest grossing movie of all time in the U.S., which just goes to show people want more movies where the characters ride around on rhinoceroses like they're horses. I have been saying this for years, Hollywood.

Andy: Jeez, calm down, Sandra.

Sandra: I will not.

Andy: Then don't.

Sandra: I won't.

Andy: Okay. It was another huge year for director Ryan Coogler, a fellow Bay Area native. Yeah. You know, if you told me as a kid growing up in the Bay that there'd be a movie called Black Panther that starts off in Oakland, this is not what I would've imagined. Ryan, were there like a bunch of old members from the actual Black Panther party saying, 'I can't even get an audition?' Just kidding. They were all framed and murdered for wanting justice and equality and the world is and always has been a nightmare, it just seems worse now because of our phones. What else happened this year?

Sandra: A Star is Born starring Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga is nominated for best motion picture, drama.

Andy: Yes and their performances were incredible.

Sandra: And it just proves — and I'm just coming up with this now — that there can be 100 people in the room and 99 don't believe in you and you just need one to believe in you and that was Bradley Cooper.

Andy: Sandra, I couldn’t agree with you more. I was just thinking — totally off the cuff — there could be 100 people in the room and 99 don't believe in you and you just need one to believe in you and that, quite frankly, is Bradley Cooper.

Sandra: So true, so true. Crazy Rich Asians is nominated tonight for best picture- musical or comedy. It is the first studio film with an Asian-American lead since Ghost in the Shell and Aloha. Crazy Rich Asians made over 200 million at the box office. Said Asian moms everywhere, (makes a not-so-impressed expression). Cut to my mom. Someone should cut to my mom right now. Look at her face, look at her face.

Andy: She doesn't seem so impressed.

Sandra: No.

Andy: So cheers to Crazy Rich Asians. You guys deserve a drink.

Sandra: Oh wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Before we start getting sloppy, I gotta take care of my people so they don’t get the Asian flush. Gaston, round of Pepcid right there.

Andy: Wait a minute. What's the Asian flush?

Sandra: Don’t worry about it. Joke's not for you.

Andy: Copy that. But I will say if we got a bunch of antacid out, you might to send some to The Kominksy Method table.

Sandra: Vice is the most nominated film of the night. Vice is an intense drama about Dick Cheney.

Andy: But it's actually up for best musical or comedy because it erroneously invaded the wrong category based on false intelligence. 

Sandra: Bohemian Rhapsody was a massive hit this year. Rami Malek wore Freddie Mercury's teeth throughout the entire film.

Andy: Can you imagine how hard that must have been? I mean first of all, you had to get the family's permission to exhume the body. I don't even know where you would begin with that conversation.

(Sandra whispers in Andy's ear.)

Andy: They weren't? Oh really? Well, I'm sure it was still hard.

Sandra: Claire Foy is nominated for her work in First Man. First Man is also how studios look for directors. "First man. If no man available, then pair of men. Then team of men. Then eventually maybe woman."

Andy: Shockingly accurate. There are some amazing television shows nominated tonight.

Sandra: The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel is nominated again for multiple awards.

Andy: It's the show that makes audience sit up and say, "Wait, is this anti-Semitic?" Darren Criss of Ruth's Chris Steak House is here. No. What else?

Sandra: Jim Carrey is nominated for his show Kidding.

Andy: Yeah and yeah. And I gotta say, I know Jim Carrey's paintings, but I had no idea he had done acting. He was really good.

Sandra: Although I am seeing Jim Carrey's sitting up front tonight in the movie section although he's nominated for a TV show.

Andy: Oh yeah. That's not gonna work. I'm so sorry, Jim. We're gonna have to have you vacate the movie section and have you sit with the TV folks.

Jim Carrey: You're kidding, right?

Sandra: No, but you're on Kidding and that's on TV, so.

Andy: Yeah, it's awkward cause you're a hero, but we do have to ask you to move.

Jim: You know, I just finished a film. It's called Sonic the Hedgehog. It comes out in November.

Andy: Well, come back next year. I'm sure it'll be nominated.

Jim: All right, I'm going. Should I take my dinner, too I wouldn't want to leave any of my DNA in the film section.

Sandra: Jim please don’t make this any harder than it already is.

Jim: I'm sorry, I can’t hear you. I see your lips moving, but there's a delay. Takes a long time for the sound to get this far.

Andy and Sandra: We appreciate it. Thank you.

Andy: Now I know we're up here joking, but on a serous note this year we saw incredible work like Black Panther, Crazy Rich Asians, If Beale Street Could Talk, Roma, Pose, BlackKklansman and more. They're not just here tonight because they resonated with audiences Hollywood often ignores, they're here because they told stories for everyone and that is truly a beautiful thing.

Sandra: Wow, Andy. Can I just say that you just read all of my lines off of the teleprompter.

Andy: What? No, those are mine. Let me keep going. When I was growing up in Canada, the daughter of Korean immigrants — Okay, you're right. That was totally your stuff. Oh my God, I just totally white-washed your speech. This is how it happens.

Sandra: That is not how it happens.

Andy: What an amazing learning experience for me.

Sandra: It's not, but if a could take a moment here, in all honesty, I said yes to the fear of being on this stage tonight because I wanted to be here, to look out into this audience, and witness this moment of change and I'm not fooling myself. I'm not fooling myself. Next year could be different. It probably will be, but right now this moment is real. Trust me, it is real because I see you and I see you — all these faces of change — and now so will everyone else.

Tune in after the telecast for The Hollywood Reporter and Twitter's official live aftershow.

Dick Clark Productions, which produces the Golden Globes, is a division of Valence Media, which owns The Hollywood Reporter.