Caitlyn Jenner Says She Contemplated Suicide Over Paparazzi Photo
"And that was probably the lowest I've ever gotten."
Caitlyn Jenner opened up to Bill Simmons on the latest episode of Any Given Wednesday, telling the host she considered suicide at one point during her transition.
Formerly Bruce Jenner, the gold medal Olympian told the HBO host her journey into finding herself got very dark.
Jenner said even though she was being pursued by paparazzi, she believed she could work around them. She was wrong.
"I always hated my Adam's apple; they [paparazzi] would never know [of operations]," she said.
Jenner explained to Simmons that as she was coming out of her doctor's office, having had an operation on her Adam's apple, someone got a picture.
"I could not sleep that night," Jenner said. "And I'm up at 3 a.m. walking up and down my hallways ... thinking, 'Damn, all this shit is going to come out tomorrow and it's going to be horrible.' And I said, 'You know what, easy way, go in the other room, you got a gun, let's just end it right here.'"
She continued, "That's like, the easy way out. No more pain, no more nothing. I don't have to deal with the tabloids any longer. I don't have to deal with any of this. And that was probably the lowest I've ever gotten."
But, she went to sleep instead, she said.
The next morning, on a walk alone, Jenner said she thought to herself, "Wasn't that, like, the stupidest thing you've ever done?" she said. "I thought, 'What a terrible way to end your life's story!' I don't want my story to end that way, on a negative note."
That is when Jenner changed her mindset, she told Simmons.
"That was the beginning of me turning my thinking around to say, 'OK, I think I can do this,'" she said.
Jenner told Simmons the past year and a half has been the "best of my life."
"I have never been happier, more at ease with myself," she said. "I got my mojo back."
She added that the last time she had her "mojo" was during the 1976 Olympics because at that time she "couldn't wait to wake up everyday and get it going."
Jenner told Simmons transitioning has renewed her "excitement for life."