'Chelsea Lately' Writer Bemoans Gay Wedding Gridlock (Guest Column)

Illustration by: Patrick Leger

Comedian Fortune Feimster on the onslaught of invitations since the Defense of Marriage Act ruling: "I'm running out of sweater vests!"

This story first appeared in the Aug. 16 issue of The Hollywood Reporter magazine.

On June 26, gay Americans everywhere were glued to their TVs. No, we were not awaiting the results of RuPaul's Drag Race, though that always leaves me on pins and needles. We were waiting to see if the Supreme Court had decided we deserved marriage equality. It was then reported that the federal Defense of Marriage Act was deemed unconstitutional by a 5-4 vote! I mean, 9-0 would have been way cooler but, hey, we'll take what we can get. All that mattered is, it was time to celebrate! Hugs were given, tears were flowing and gay guys in West Hollywood finally had a good excuse to pay $24 for a mango martini.

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The lesbians, of course, could not get to the courthouse fast enough. I was elated! My friends and I could now legally marry the person we loved. I cried tears of joy when the first few wedding announcements arrived in the mail. "Oh, look! Mike and Robbie are getting married in Des Moines." "Aw, Suzie and Deb are tying the knot in Chicago." I bought a plane ticket, booked a hotel and broke out my best sweater vest. The next day, I got a few more invites. "Wow! Allison and Heather are getting hitched! So are Andy and Kyle!" The day after that, I received even more. "Frank and Tom. Jan and Linda? Donna and Bridget!?" Good lord, make it stop! It wasn't even August and already my calendar was full.

All this time I had wanted marriage equality, and now all I can do is reminisce about a simpler time when once every five months a lesbian couple would have a civil ceremony where we'd sing songs and eat s'mores. Now I'm knee-deep in chocolate fountains! All I'm saying is, what's the rush? Just because we can get married doesn't mean we have to. So simmer down, you gays! I'm running out of sweater vests!


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