'Bob's Burgers' Comedian Takes Out Newspaper Ad to Rant Against "F—ing Bullshit" Parking Ticket
"I heard God’s voice, and he said, 'This is f—ing bullshit. You need to write them a letter.' ”
Stand-up comedian Eugene Mirman isn't afraid to speak out against grave injustices — especially when it comes to $15 parking tickets.
Mirman, otherwise known as Gene on Bob's Burgers, took out a full-page ad in a local New Hampshire newspaper in order to rant about a parking ticket he received.
He said that, after walking through the downtown area of Portsmouth, N.H., he was confused to find a parking ticket on his windshield when he had paid for three hours of parking and come back an hour early.
"Is it a crime in Portsmouth to not use all of the parking you bought? How'd you know I’d be back early? Do you have a PreCrime division?" asked Mirman satirically in his letter. "Why are your PreCogs working on traffic tickets? Shouldn’t they be out preventing Street Performers before they happen?"
Nope. Turns out, Mirman just had backed his car into the spot and was fined $15 for being "parked in the wrong direction."
"What kind of horse$&it charge is that?" asked Mirman. "Before I embarrass myself, I want to make sure that Portsmouth is still inside the United States and not considered a part of Iran?"
Mirman continued to mock the city's parking officials, joking that, of course he should have clicked around the City Clerk's Office website to find the random law saying "No vehicle shall remain backed up to the curb." He suggested going to his website, where he says "F— you, don't steal my money."
The comedian said that he tried to look for a sign that said it is illegal to back into a spot. "I saw nothing, but I heard God’s voice, and he said, 'This is f—ing bullshit. You need to write them a letter.' "
Read the full letter below.
Dear Portsmouth, NH, and Especially the Parking Clerk’s Office,
Last June I had a wonderful day walking around your historic downtown with my girlfriend. I bought two puppets, who turned out to be gay. Just kidding, they’re puppets. We stopped in cute shops, ate a popover and saw Black David Cross. It was nice.
Then — when we returned to our car, on the windshield was a ticket. “What could this possibly be for,” I thought. I paid for three hours of parking (but only used two — you’re welcome, Portsmouth.) Is it a crime in Portsmouth to not use all of the parking you bought? How'd you know I’d be back early? Do you have a PreCrime division? Why are your PreCogs working on traffic tickets? Shouldn’t they be out preventing Street Performers before they happen? But no, I read the violation—we backed into a spot and were being fined $15 for being “parked in the wrong direction.”
What kind of horse$&it charge is that? It’s illegal to back into a spot? Before I embarrass myself, I want to make sure that Portsmouth is still inside the United States and not considered a part of Iran?
You’re probably thinking, “Well, if before visiting Portsmouth, like everyone else — you’d simply gone to the City Clerk’s Office website, clicked on City of Portsmouth ordinances and looked in chapter seven — Vehicles, Traffic and Parking. Right there in section 7.316: BACK TO CURB, it says, “No vehicle shall remain backed up to the curb.” Similarly, if you had gone to my website before I came to your city and clicked on Eugene’s ordinances, you’d know that in Chapter One under “F%#K You Don’t Steal My Money,” in section 8.215 is says, “F%#K You Don’t Steal My Money.”
But even if I had gone to your website — is states that the online ordinances are not an official copy — that for the official ordinances, I have to call 610-7245. Why no area code? Am I calling from a local payphone in 1986? But instead, I foolishly looked around for signs, both real and from God. I saw nothing, but I heard God’s voice, and he said, “This is f%#cking bull$&it. You need to write them a letter.”
Lastly, as you know, New Hampshire‘s state motto is General John Stark’s celebrated quote, “Live Free or Die,” which he famously said before attempting the first recorded self-BJ. If John Stark was alive today, he would be 287 years old — also, right after learning about cars, General Stark would then be disgusted to discover that Portsmouth doesn’t even give people the freedom to back into a spot — which by your own state’s twisted logic, turns my $15 ticket — into a fight to the death.
With Great Disappointment In You,