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It’s rare when two “once-in-a-lifetime” events occur in your life: Finding out you’ve been nominated for an Emmy and living in the middle of a pandemic. When it rains, it pours COVID-19. Your classic “yin-yang” scenario. Not gonna lie, it would’ve been great to attend the show in person: put on a classic blue tuxedo, walk the red carpet, pretend not to be disappointed if I lost my category, go and get suuuuuuper hammered at the Governors Ball where I’d ask Jason Bateman a ton of questions about Ozark, stop at Fatburger on the way home, pass out and then have my kids wake me up at 6 a.m. the next day and ask if I met anybody from That’s So Raven. That would’ve been amazing. However, since there is no show in person this year, I’m going to figure out some ways to turn up and keep it classy.
1. BUSINESS UP TOP; PARTY DOWN BELOW
Since most of what I’ll be doing will be participating Zoom-style, I decided I’m going to go full tux from the torso up. That’s all you’re gonna see, anyway. Below, I’m going comfy, stretchy pants. That way I can eat as much as I want and never worry about the waistline bulge.
At the Emmys, you always see people dripping in diamonds — so much so, they have to get insurance on all of it. I want to stunt on people the same way. However, Tiffany & Co. doesn’t usually give priceless jewels to comedy writers. Since we’re not in person, no one will be able to inspect my 500-karat watch that I got at a mall kiosk. It all blings the same over spotty Wi-Fi bandwidth. “Who am I wearing?” you ask. Whoever I want it to be!
3. “I COULDN’T ATTEND ANYWAY”
I always love when nominees aren’t present at the awards show. It’s such a baller move, and I’m going to do the same thing. It’s so ironic that the Emmys aren’t in person this year, because I wasn’t going to make it anyway. I’m in the South of France — or at least that’s what my Zoom background is going to be. Can you speak up, Jimmy Kimmel? It’s hard to hear you from my Parisian yacht on the Riviera.
4. BLIND DINING
One of the perks of going to the awards shows is getting to try all this amazing food and expensive champagne. This is what I’m going to miss the most. How do I still create an amazing spread now that I have to pay for it? Most people eat with their eyes, and that’s what I’m going to do. Trader Joe’s sells sushi, but if I take it out of the box and put it on a plate — as far as I’m concerned that sushi was flown in from Japan just for me. Cheap champagne? Not in a nameless flute, it’s not. That’s vintage Dom, baby! What Daddy don’t show, Daddy don’t know.
5. IT’S AN HONOR TO BE NOMINATED
Going to the Emmys as a comedy writer, there are so many people more famous than you. Being nominated isn’t a big deal when almost everyone there is nominated. You know who’s nominated in my house, though? Just me! That’s right. I don’t have to compete with Sterling K. Brown for the paparazzi’s attention in my living room. What have my kids done? Won a spelling bee? Big deal. Are you Emmy-nominated tonight? No.
This story first appeared in the August standalone issue of The Hollywood Reporter magazine. To receive the magazine, click here to subscribe.
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